The high cost of womanhood.
Sunday, 12/01/02 - 12:19 pm.

And the year is almost gone. It's kind of amusing to look back to see what I was thinking this date a year ago. It's amusing the way time goes by.

I was in Houston a year ago. This time I'm not. I won't. My brother and his family are coming instead. I'm kind of sad, because I really love travelling (it's hard to tell, but I do) and I wanted to do it again. But at least we'll get to spend our first christmas together. We have never done it. The year Javier was born (1997), my brother left for the US. So we were always split, and we've never spent christmastime as the family we are (all of us: my parents, my siblings, their spouses and their children...and Frog) together. Until this year. They're arriving on the 20th. I can't wait.

I had a bad night. My period arrived at midnight and it was so painful I cried. The pain was so strong I was certain I could make Denver feel it just by imagining I was whispering in his ear, in bed. How stupid. But I did, I whispered with tears in my eyes (because of the pain...I tell you, that's an exagerated amount of pain for such a tiny spot in the body) what I wanted to tell him at that time: help me...don't you love me anymore? don't you think of me?...I'm in pain, help me. For some strange reason, I needed him next to me. I doubt it worked, I'm not good at voodoo.

I was hallucinating, too...or something like that. It's hard to describe. I was two people, just me, but split in two. In the same space and time, but I was two. One upon the other, with the same pain. I don't know if it makes sense, but that's how I felt. I'm two people...the same person, twice. I hallucinated something else, but I won't even try to describe it. It's not a film, it's not a female filmmaker, she doesn't sign three times her film-paintings on blankets, he's not a poet...THIS IS JUST YOUR PAIN!, I yelled to myself. That sightning was overloading my brain and making it harder to deal with the pain.

I punched my stomach, I massaged it, put on medicine, I cried so much, it hurt so much, I needed someone to be with me, to hold me. I was dying, it was horrible...fuck you, God, was what I said, hardly breathing. What's with the agony, anyway?...were you that mad at Eve? why didn't you just destroy women if she sucked so much?

I thought of my friend Dany, I always think of him when I'm like this. You might be in a lot of pain, but still, women have been blessed with delivering life to earth.

I cried. I was dying to fall asleep, I was sleepy, but the pain wouldn't let me. I'd hit myself, wishing it to go away. I hoped I, or the man I will be with (IF I get to be with one...) will lack of fertility, so I will never have to go through delivering a baby. All that was happening last night (or this morning) was that my body was expulsing a cell, and a crushed cell...imagine expulsing an entire body...

Giving birth was the only thing to top an Aerosmith concert!

I'll take the Aerosmith concert anytime, as inferior as it is.

One positive thing I should not leave out though, is that somehow, my period was arriving yesterday (which means two periods in one month). Last time it arrived on november 1st. Yesterday, I was working out in the morning and I felt the pain. I was scared. Taking a test while you're going through the inauguration of your period has to be one of the cruelest tortures. I prayed and prayed: please, wait until night, please, please.... It did. So at night it was like: Fuck you!...err, but thank you.... I called it a miracle, and it arrived on time, december 1st (or november 30th, at 11:30 pm...almost december 1st).

It still hurts, but at least I can move now. I'm seeing Harry Potter this afternoon with my sister and my nephew. It's going to be great. I love this windy wheather.

By the way, I dreamed of him (he was my friend...we were friends in love...*cough*). See, that's what I get for trying to put a voodoo spell on him.

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