Christmas blessings and opposite feelings.
Wednesday, 12/25/02 - 4:44 pm.

I suppose it is safe to assure that I've had the best christmas ever, speaking in terms of family.

One of my christmas wishes seemed to come true last night, when I was in the house and all my family was around. We took a lot of pictures together...the five (my three brothers, my sister and I) of us, then the seven of us (the mentioned above plus the parents) and....all of us! (the seven of us plus two sisters-in-law, two nephews and one niece).

The funniest thing though was that my dog Frog is on every picture, by accident. God, I laughed so hard about that!!! She looks like a muppet on every picture.

What seemed to be a christmas with no gifts became the opposite...there were tons of presents under the christmas tree. Most of them were the consequence of last-minute panic. The kids got lots of presents. Everybody got at least one.

I got one or two, too. The kaleidoscope, (to me, from me) a belated graduation present, courtesy of my uncle (a shirt), a cute greeting card from Javier and Nancy and a check for thirty dollars, from Renan and family (due to undisclosed circumstances, I'm not sure if/how I'll turn it into cash).

But the biggest thing I got was from...Alan. Completely unexpected. I was even ashamed of accepting it, because I know he needs the money for his journey (he leaves tomorrow for Philadelphia) and because we didn't get him anything. I didn't get him anything, simply because I never do, I never have money, I never know what to get him.

And he got me...two towers. Two "towers" for my CDs. I know where you keep your CDs so I got you this. And then I thought one wouldn't be enough for your Aerosmith collection, so I got you a second one. Sorry they're not wrapped, I didn't know how to.

I keep my CDs in a shoe box. And he gave me two 25 CD racks (the first one is just Aerosmith CDs...I have exactly 25 Aerosmith CDs, 24 originals, one bootleg. There are only three official albums that I have on tape). I wanted to cry. He never fails to get the perfect gift. I didn't even think of the possibility of getting my CDs a better place to keep them in, and there he was, with two huge boxes on his bed, telling me that it was all he could get me. He's just unbelievable.

It was a great, unique family christmas get-together last night. In every possible way. And I thank God for that.

A lot of people came to visit us in the afternoon. Including Cel and Art (they're "friends" now though). At night, Angelica called me. At midnight, Carmen did. Then Adri, at about 1:30 in the morning. It was awesome, great. And also...Pablo called me! At 2 o'clock Pablo fuckin' called me! My bloody brother, I couldn't believe it. you weren't expecting me to call you, huh? I know, it's completely unexpected coming from me...but maybe that's why you were born, to make unexpected, beautiful things happen.... I was in awe. It was an amazing surprise.

Now, today I mean, I think it's Jesus' birthday every half an hour or so. It's Jesus' birthday today, or so urban legends say. I wonder what my present to Him could be, and I can't figure it out. He won't expect a wrapped up present, because I know He's not so much into store bought all I do is talk to Him, wish Him a happy birthday and...just think of Him. He needs to be thought of, too. Bless His own heart.


There's something that's been bugging me, though. I feel...dead. I mean, I feel I could be feeling much more thankful than this. I feel I should be happier for spending christmas with all of my family. I am, don't get me wrong. I thank God every minute, trying to make up for all the time I haven't, and to show Him I do appreciate this huge blessing. So I too feel kind of guilty for feeling kind of dead inside, but I can't help it.

Maybe because in my e-mail accounts I haven't had new messages since quite sometime. I haven't heard from some people. I don't need a greeting card, I just wish I heard from them. From him specially. One of my christmas wishes was to hear from him. But what the fuck, it's Jesus' birthday, not mine.

I feel lonely. Dead inside. Numb. Scared, too. The UCA course starts next friday. Sad, too. Alan leaves tomorrow, and then it's going to be just me with my parental units in this house, and they're getting really touchy. Guilty, I didn't get anybody but the kids presents. I feel guilty specially for Alan.

Right now there's a sedated lady in my living room. She OD'ed. It's a long story, but this entry is long already.


Putting aside my numb inside, I'm really happy and very thankful for these days. Time seems not to be ruled by the clock on the wall. I go to bed at sometime in the morning, I wake up at some time in the same morning, I have my meals at odd times and it seems later AND earlier than what the clock says.

Thank you so much, God. Happy birthday to your Son. He's always been a cool Dude.

Merry Christmas, yo.

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