Sad brother and upcoming emotional rollercoaster.
Sunday, 01/05/03 - 7:11 pm.

Pablo called me last night. His call surprised me. He thanked me for the e-mail I sent (in reply to his), he said that it was very touching.

I told him I thought he had depression, and he said that it was cool, that depression makes you appreciate happiness even more. That sounded familiar to me, and I realized I used to say that often (I'm sure I've said that a couple of times in this diary..."to put things in perspective").

We talked on the phone for a while, and I told him not to hesitate if he needed to talk to someone, I'd be more than glad to listen to him. I hope we will talk again soon.

So I've been thinking of him the entire day. I wish I had the freedom to take him out somewhere (parental overprotection...God forbid I go out with a guy!), or at least go to his house. He must be getting drunk and smoking his lungs off. That's not very rare at all in him. Maybe when I finish the course and start college as it should be, I can take him out somewhere. I'll have a cell phone by then, and I'll call my dad to let him know I am going out of the campus, and that I'll call when I'm back in it.

I think of Pablo often, and he's what's helped me to go through the day...the thought of us going out in a near future. You know, as friends, as brother and sister.

(also, I wondered how many chickens are killed everyday, regarding the chicken-related restaurants...I went to one today, almost right in front the UCA entrance...that's when I thought I'd sneak out during lunchtime, and I could take Pablo with many chickens are killed everyday, anyway?)

Shit, I have to get mentally ready for tomorrow. The college course. I read a chapter about the XXI Century Student: Learn to learn. I'm already learning to learn, I started ages ago. Teach me something else.

Everytime I think of college, I get more and more disappointed. I don't want to go.

Denise and the kids leave tomorrow. I haven't gotten emotional about it yet. I'll make a drawing of The Beatles for Renan and Rebeca. They have already a collection of Aerosmith drawings by yours truly....but I think I'll make know, because Aerosmith rocks.

Well, I'd better start working on those. I still have to get ready for tomorrow...both for the emotional rollercoaster at the airport tomorrow morning (I HATE seeing the kids cry over not wanting to go) and the college course in the afternoon (Idontwanttogo, helpme).

At a certain point today, I smiled just because. It was funny. For two minutes, I was all pumped up. But it was a Matrix glitch. Overall, I feel a void. That goddamn void. That heavy void.

Isn't there a fuckin' thing that could make me feel alive again?

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