Holding back these tears [of joy/of pain] in my eyes
Monday, 01/20/03 - 7:06 pm.

Adding to yesterday's love and gifts, I got a beautiful letter from Roberto, a card from Victor and another one signed by Irene, Victoria, Ern, Victor and Angie (yayanewfriend)...those two were given to me at the UCA. And Irene made a little sheep with clay for me, too, very cute. Oh, yeah, and notes from two (one, two) dear friends in DLand.

Last night I watched Miss Congeniality on HBO. It's one of my favorites movies. Then I went to bed, it was almost midnight.

I thought of everything that had happened to me. I almost cried. It was almost perfect (it'd have been the perfect day of my life if I had heard from D). Everything was great, I will never thank God enough, for all the people that were with me, one way or another. I don't know, I feel so impotent, it was so much, I didn't deserve that.

I wondered why. Why did all that happened to me? It was too beautiful, so perfect...there has to be a price to pay. I thought about it so much I even felt bad. I felt awful, I didn't deserve such a wonderful day and everything it brought.

Don't get me wrong, I am so fuckin' thankful for my life, and for what happened. But I think I'm not that good of a person to deserve all that.

I'm thinking of making a playlist with songs I've dedicated to D. It's over, everything is over though. He didn't get in touch with me. That hurt me so much. Remember what I gave him for his birthday (of course you don't)? The Nine Lives CD with psychodelical artwork, a letter (signed with blood), a small card, and a collection of beautiful rocks. I don't mean "he had to give something like that for my birthday"...but come on, he never said a word about the presents. No "I liked it", no "I hated it"...NOTHING!!! I never knew if he liked the things I gave to him. I never knew if he got them. If he even cared to open them. All I asked for was for him to give some feedback...say it was cool, say it sucked, say anything, ANYTHING.

It's funny, but hearing from him was the only thing that had me looking forward to my birthday. I got everything a person could ask for to be happy (HAPPY, as in the happiness everybody looks for), except hearing from him. I still can't believe he couldn't even send me a crappy e-mail with the crappy message: happ brithdaay (because he sucks at typing).

And there goes my last piece of hope...nothing from him for my birthday, that's just so painful, and it's tearing me apart. It's not what I receive, it's the meaning behind it. Roberto e-mailed me a *.doc attachment, and it was only a letter...but this letter meant the world to me. This letter was much more than a wrapped-up present bought at the mall. Do you get my point? I didn't care for getting an e-card from D., I just wanted to feel appreciated by him.

Today's dedicated-to-D song is Tell Me Why, by The Beatles. I really don't have a song for him everyday, it's just that I have a lot of songs that remind me of him (Pink's Just Like A Pill, Elvis Presley's Burning Love, Puddle Of Mudd's She Hates Me....)

He's on. Big mistake, HUGE mistake, I knew I shouldn't have logged on.

Him: how was it yesterday?
(I'm sorry I didn't call)
(I did remember)
(radio signals didn't help)
(are you mad)

(Still no "happy birthday")

I sort of explained him it was a good day, and showed him the lyrics to "Tell Me Why" (he asks: do you come up with all of your nicknames? / I reply: Yes, but this one ["'cause I really can't stand it, I'm so in love with you"] it's from The Beatles). He said it was well written.

But. He. Just. Logged. Out. I don't think he noticed I didn't answer the question "are you mad?".

Well I gave you everything I had
But you left me sitting on my own
Did you have to treat me, oh, so bad?
All I do is hang my head and moan

"Is that a pretty accurate description of our relationship, Tyler?" - Marla.

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