Monday, 01/27/03 - 9:11 pm.
Despite all the shit, I do thank God for having a nice, warm home to come to. I'd had a long day, and this cheered me up (at least for a while...let's say long enough). How I wish things were like this in most families.
This morning I threw myself in bed, feeling slightly depressed (you know, worthless, impotent, hurt, pissed off...). I started to pray. I prayed to God for this awful feeling to go away. D makes me feel so bad...so, so bad. And not only that, he brings out things I'd buried in my memory a long time ago.
So I said to God: God, please, make me strong, make me stoic, make me numb, make me not to care about him......and then I turned my face to the wall, on which a crucifix is hanging.
I looked at it and said: Gee, no wonder why You don't seem to help me. You have Your own share of problems trying to get off that cross.
And I had to stop praying. Not because I lost faith in Him. I know He'd help me. I'm pretty sure He could handle both His and mine and everyone else's problems, He's done it for centuries. I just felt a little selfish at the time. I thought I should give Him some time to solve His own problems for once.
But last time I looked, He was still nailed to the cross. I'm hoping one day I'll look at the crucifix on my wall and He won't be there anymore.