I used to be happy. I used the word "depressed" in my very first entry, I've felt sad and down for a long time, even before 8th grade, but not like this (it was mostly low self-esteem and shyness). And besides, I've had my happy moments. Those happy moments that made me understood so many things about life. I always wanted to share my happiness with someone, as I'd find myself happy when I was alone, but it wasn't necessary. The bottom line is I know what happiness is.

In all this confusion, I still have sooth moments. Like yesterday, when the cafeteria was packed, I was alone and couldn't find a table to sit at and have a slice of pizza and chocolate milk. So I went outside, and sat on a bench in front of the auditorium, under the shade of a tree, surrounded by grass. The sun was setting, I could see the orange ball through the trees of a small forest. Part of me felt I was trying to deny my sadness at that time....but who wouldn't with a moment like that one? It was worth it. Little reminders that life isn't that bad. I wasn't happy-happy, but I felt good for a while.

I just try to hide everything. OBVIOUSLY no one will know I feel this way, because I hide it. It's a conflict, between letting them know and keeping it to myself. I don't know what'd happen if I let them know how I feel....would they even believe me? Would I disappoint them?

I've lost Cel. She's not the same. She doesn't even ask me "how are you?" now...I know, that's such a lame thing to focus on. I'm becoming such a bitch.