Called-off trip and brainfucks.
Wednesday, 12/31/03 - 9:25 am.

I have not slept for more than 4 hours last night/this morning, but luckily, as you can tell, I'm not on my way to San Antonio right now (*throws confetti*), and I will not be, at least until next year (say, in three days, specifically).

I'm home because of last night. We went to have dinner at this couple's house, they are just wonderful people. Usually when we go have dinner to any of my brother's friends' place, I hate the single idea of going, I enjoy the evening, but then I think that, if given the option, I'd rather stay home next time. But this time around, I'd like to come back. It was just great.

The guy, the friend of my brother's (and the rest of my siblings'), lived in my dad's village, and is in his early 30s, like my brothers and sister, so both parties are pretty much friends from childhood. There are a few pictures of my siblings (one picture for each of them, four), riding on a horse, and in each of them, the guy is helping with the horse. Not many months ago, my dad discovered this guy was actually living in Houston (with the 80s civil war, many people ran away from the villages, and a good part of them emigrated). Just like my brother. So they're catching up now. I just met him, a week ago, but he's a great man, very kind and friendly.

So anyway, we went to his house to have dinner. Just as soon as we got there, my bitterness (you know I was less than thrilled to go) disappeared. The house was beautiful, his wife was lovely, his two kids were very polite. The dinner was three-thumbs-up. And after the meal they invited us to watch a movie, in this huge TV set (my arms aren't long enough to show how big it was), with an unbelievable sound system. They had many, many DVDs, titles that were favorites of mine.

We went for Charlie's Angels, Full Throttle. What a stupid movie...I mean, there isn't a dull moment in it, but it's just so, so exaggerated. I think I lost a good hadndful of neurones. Anyway...the movie finished and it was 11 pm. The guy and his wife asked us to see another one, and then the grown-ups started to say we had to get up early today, we were going to San Antonio, bla, bla, bla.

But we stayed for the next one (the kids were playing and watching movies somewhere else in the house). It was Matrix (they had Matrix Reloaded, but nobody except for me had seen the first one). Matrix is one of my favorite movies. I could've thought many things, because the movie (at least personally) allows you to think outside the system, but like I said, I'd lost a good handful of neurones previously.

It was 1 am, and it was resolved on the ride home that we were not going to go to San Antonio. It's a long road trip, and we could never get up at 6 am, let alone the kids (they were still awake). So ha. Here I am, smiling on my insides. I feel fat, out of joy.

But I woke up at 6 am, actually. Because the E! True Hollywood Story on Heather Mills McCartney was on at 7. I must sound like a tabloid-beatle-related-gossip-hungry obssessed fan, but I'm not, or at least I try not to be. In any case, the show was very moving, very touching. Heather is a wonderful woman.

Given this is the last entry of the year, I could bother myself, and I could try to look back and say "oh, this is what happened to me this year". But I won't, because I'm very lazy, and my memory is not very good, anyway. The first year of college, the first boyfriend, getting over the high school sweetheart, coming to Houston, getting my license, my first full year as a Beatle fan, the breaking downs. I may be leaving some things out, but that's all I can think of right now. And it's very dull, really. Except for the beatle and the Houston parts.

It's not such a big deal, for me now, to change year. I don't care a lot, because it's not such a difference in your life, other than getting the date wrong for the first few days and such minimal details. I never bother to make New Year's Resolutions, because I just can't think on long-term, or so it seems. I don't see myself settled down, in my early 30s, in a nice house, with a wonderful husband, with a good job, and children and a DVD player with surround system. I'd hate to become a housewife, too. I can't see past my nose, to tell the truth. I'm thinking of commiting suicide at 27, really.

Sometimes I think I'd like to meet someone (a boy, I mean). But then I think of the someones I've already met, and I realize I enjoy being single. But then I go to my brother's friends house, or just look at his life as a married man, and I go back to wishing I could find someone to settle down with, to raise a family with, and have a nice house...not a mansion or anything, just the basics (and a few things beyond basic, like a piano).

It's just lately that I've noticed how not my type the boys I've been involved with are. First, Rene...I just liked him because he liked me. The same with The Guy (well, I don't think he quite did "like" me, but he was attracted). Same with 1. With D....maybe it was a little different with him, but now that I think about it, he wasn't that especial at all. I liked his hugs, but mentally he had not a lot to offer other than talking about how much he hated the math teacher, or how he loved this spanish football soccer team, or how hot the blonde that just walked by was, perhaps it's not her natural color and her face is ugly. Dull. All of them are so plain, so unidimensional. Different layers, yes...I always saw many things in all of them (well, except in Rene. He sucked at everything, honestly)...but they never got out of that frame, that dimension.

I was looking at this ornament at my brother's friend house. His wife has a collection of Disney ornaments, and this one in particular was from Peter Pan. I don't know where it came from, or why, but I thought I'd like to marry a Peter Pan. I have not seen that movie since I was a little girl, so I don't remember what he's really like. But it's not just because he flies....I mean, that's a plus, of course. But I want a Peter Pan type of guy, one to blow out my mind, like, hardcore. Simeon says I'm looking for an intellectual fuck, a mind fuck. I tend to agree.

If you read the story of John and Yoko, how they blew each other's minds, then maybe you'd get an idea of what I want. But that's beyond my comprehension, and I think it's humanly impossible for me to fall that hard for someone and viceversa. There's no person that could make me feel that way, I think. Maybe my standards are too high. But then again, I didn't set my own standards. Not consciously. I think they came already installed. And I don't feel like going for less, anyway. If that's the case, then I might as well go back to 1 and have his tongue inside my mouth, while I'm wishing there was someone I could talk to about what I just did in the psychology laboratory, knowing that I'm not boring him and that he'll understand.

Oh, only New Year's resolution, I just came up with it, will be to become a brainfucker myself. I'm not into this new year resolution thing because I think you should make an effort every day at any time, and not just every year that starts. Those resolutions wear out quickly and are forgotten by the time you get to write the date correctly. So this is not exactly a New Year's Resolution, it's just a project.

And this will end today's entry. Because the family might wake up at any second now. Not quite, really. They'll be waking up at 10, 11 am. But anyway, I've already talked too much. It's just that I hadn't found a proper moment to write, given everybody was around or we were all out. But now they're asleep and I've taken off a few things off my system.

Happy New Year to all of you, stupendous spirits ("stupendous spirits" came from Simeon, don't give the funny look to me).

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