Tuesday, 06/18/02 - 8:48 pm.
I went out with my parents this afternoon, so luckily I avoided a certain kind of feelings that always bring me down. I'd been looking forward to this. My parental units and I went to a bookstore called The Little House. It's been ages since I've read a book just because, and I wanted to get a couple. This place is also a coffee shop and they have comfortable couches. That place is in some kind of mall. Not a stupid mall like a Temple of Capitalism, you don't see dumb people wandering around wishing to have enough money to buy trendy, useless stuff. This mall was beautiful. It was like a little town, with houses made out of wood, and painted with soft yellow, brown...it was neat. You'd see the stores and you just knew that this was a place to come with something specific in mind. There was some kind of basement, and that's where the bookstore is. But the exciting stuff is that this "basement" is surrounded by waterfalls and small rivers, like a rainforest.
So we arrived down there. I bought The Three Muskeeters and one written by Danielle Steel, about twin sisters. My parental units bought two books each. We took a cup of caffee and brownies, too. We spent there about two hours. Dad loves literature, he was in heaven.
Then we went upstairs to the parking lot and stopped in front of a hardware shop. Plants were sold there, also, and I bought a tiny cactus. Yes, he will have a name, I suppose. Simeon is good at naming shit. He named the snowman "Indulgent positivism".
I thought in the morning....yeah, that's the problem of being with yourself for a long time: you are with what you are. And people say you are what you were...I mean...heck, you know what I mean. Past events of your life have made you develop into what you are now. So I just thought of my life and people in it, and how they've affected me.
I never had that person you grow up with, your best friend, who's always there for you, who lets you be there for them. I must've had one, though, those kind of "friends forever" that last one or two years. I often wonder if I'm really bound to find someone. I'm kind of tired of trying to find that person. Some say "don't give up looking for that person", others say "that person will find you". While they decide which one is true, I'll stay alone. Loneliness is not as bad as people believe though. People live in denial, you realize.
I thought of calling the guy. I'm sure he misundertood what I meant. But then again...he doesn't need me. I don't want to be his friend, anymore. And I'm sure he's never considered me one. He just wanted to get laid. No, I won't call him. You know how I hate making phone calls. Besides....I'm through with him.
I'm through with everybody. I'm not going to any fuckin' party nor any stupid country trip with my classmates. They're cool people, but I don't fit in. I did try but it's useless. I always wind up being alone, pushed away, ignored....maybe I won't miss school as much as I thought. I just hope the place I end up going to it's better than this.
Don't you hate it when two parts of your body sore at the same time? I burned my tongue with coffee, and I'm feeling my heart very hurt. It's that dumb wound that's open 24/7 for my own amusement and pain.
While I was at the bookstore, I read science magazines. There was an interesting article on the 10 most probable ways earth will disappear. I wish it was to disappear soon. Not because I'm a depressive teenager and I want to commit suicide...it's because this cock-sucker place is fucked up.
There are three specific beings that I don't fuckin' understand what they were created for: mosquitoes, roaches and mankind.
Mankind sucks. I often wonder why working five days wasn't enough for God. Yes, everything was good. Why create humans? Or in any other case, why evolve into such shit? It's backwards evolution, nonetheless. Humanity is a fuckin' virus. The amusingly complex yet lowest kind of existence. Virus at its most disgusting expression.
Tomorrow is wednesday already. I'm scared, I don't want to go back to school, I have nothing to look forward to...yes, that lame feeling again. But it's true. What's at school? More homework, more psychological torture (math, damn motherfuckin' math), more recesses all by myself, more bearing Veronica's screw-ups...the usual stuff, that I just recently discovered I've been accepting, or at least tolerating.
School it's finishing already but I don't have a place to go after that, and that's the reason why I don't want to leave. Yes, I feel alone there, but it's an 11 years routine now, I'm used to it. Can I be honest? I don't want to study psychology. I wanted to observe and draw. I wanted to create and animate. Oh, well...sometimes it sucks to be me. Yeah, ok, sometimes it doesn't, you may have noticed.
I've been listening to I ain't got you a lot lately. I'm dressed up with no place to go. That's what the voices in my head say.
I know next week I'm gonna have to sit at the end of the hallway, looking at all those groups of people, seeing Veronica putting on a show with her tears or unbearable laughter, and I'll feel like crying. Then I'll have Simeon whispering in my ear that he's there for me and that I have to be strong and bear with all that because...that's the only thing I can do. I know, Simeon. It's just...
...it's that cold hand...always that cold hand ripping off my heart and holding the pieces, pressing them between its fingers.
I'll cut the crap here, before I ruin this rainy, lovely night. I'm going to read one of my brand-new books. It's sad, but I wouldn't be able to say that in public, because they'd think I'm a fuckin' miserable nerd and I suck just because I like to read. Fuck them, I can read and they just don't have enough intellect to do so nor to tolerate others' points of view. Yes, I know....fuck what people say. But I kind of wish that advice wouldn't exist, because everyone, no matter how much they preach it, at a certain point in their lives, have failed to follow it. You just can't ignore people, even if they ignore you. That's one of the reasons why people commit suicide. Mankind, in essence, sucks.
prev / next