Tuesday, 05/17/05 - 10:18 pm.
Today it'd have been our one year anniversary. Joseph and I. I didn't see him today. But I just talked to him on the phone for 73 minutes.
Before that happening, though, let me say that I've had a good day. Went swimming, went to work in the afternoon (!) and missed Joe and Samuel on the radio. For the first time it's been cold in this country, so I got to wear long sleeves and buy a cold granita. That made me happy.
It's been a rainy day. If you go back exactly a year in this diary, you'll see that today, may 17th, 2004, it was rainy, just like today, and Joseph and I started to make out and that made us boyfriend and girlfriend, and we lived happily ever after for a few months.
He never cheated on me. He had chances. But he never cheated on me.
So, who's lying? Fer, or Joseph? I've believed Fer, thought I always wanted to believe Joseph. Even more so, so far I REALLY, REALLY don't have any proof, other than what Fer said. I saw the girl today, and...Jesus. I think she was staring at me, but I haven't seen anything. It doesn't look like it.
I lo...I won't even say "loved", I LOVE YOU and.... And stuff. We talked so much until we couldn't go on.
I could've fixed everything if I'd gone to his house that day, when my parents said all those things that were about the word "rape". He's hurt by the attitude my parents took. And I understand. They were very shitty.
Actually, we started our conversation nicely. It was all fun and games, and jokes and everything, but suddenly we were talking more and more about the relationship. He asked me what I missed the most about it, and I said seeing him. IT's still hard for me to look at you face to face.
Things weren't easy. It wasn't easy for him to break up with me, but there were too many details. I understand that. And yes, it was my fault. I don't say it in a mean way. I just can't be as free as he is, and I can't keep up. It all comes down to the fact that I'm not able to stand against my parents.
And you know, he still can't fuck with anybody else.
My God. I feel like I've been shot in the heart. We said so many things. My stomach was revolting, and I wanted to see him. More than anything, I wanted to go back in time and fix my mistakes. He said how fucking special I was to him. That, before me, he'd never cared for meeting his girlfriend's parents. That I was so special that he almost went to jail and was deported, for me (the day he was going to attend the presentation of my book).
I'm still in love with him, and I kind of hate to think he's still in love with me...because that still doesn't mean we'll get back together. He's still the guy I said well, I'll cherish all the things he left me, and the fact that we're still friends about. But behind that sweet, friendly statement, there's my love for him.
Yes, I think he is the love of my life.
I feel like crap. A different type of crap. The regretting crap. I have this huge knot in my throat, and I know I won't sleep well tonight.
Even worse, I'll probably won't see him at the UCA again. He said he'd done something, didn't say what, but most likely, he'll be banned, starting tomorrow. Permanently. I said we could still meet outside for coffee. Once again, I'm the one who has to go to you. Isn't he right? You know he is. But I still can't stand up against my parents...even with all my love for him. He's right when he says I'm a coward. Not in the usual sense...but you take one step forward and two steps back. Isn't he right? You know he is.
I'm too disturbed too keep going. I'm running in circles, I'm in tears. I need to see him. I know he didn't cheat on me, and I wish I could go back and erase all the entries about that, but that'd be cheating, too, in a way. Of course he didn't. He loved me, and respected me. I told him I'd thought about him cheating on me when I was in Houston, and that's why I was bringing up the subject. He laughed and got offened. You go back to my entries from Houston, and you'll find there's not a single mention of such doubt, because I never had it. Not until Fer mentioned it, weeks ago.
God. I want him back. I sent him a message after we talked, I didn't even try to ask for a second chance, because I feared (yeah, I *supposed*) that you'd say "no, we've already broken up, don't be pathetic". I mean, I didn't think he still loved me. How could I? He was being mean, telling me things, and I told him so. I just wanted to make you strong. I don't function like that, Joseph. I don't.
Jesus. I want him back.
And everything I've written tonight is so random and messed up, without order. I'm skipping so many things, like the times he said I was being cute and that was turning him on, and that he'd kiss me if I went on a fit of rage against him...I don't know.
I am in love with him, more than ever, but my psyche is drilled for the time being.
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