Sunday, 04.04.10 - 2:00 pm.
My plan with JC is on hold, but still on. He replied to my message about meeting up, saying he was sick but he'd let me know when he could do it. That alone, of course, made me hesitate (man, he still calls me by our own private nicknames) but I carry on. I'm sitting patiently for the day we'll get together. Those things he gave me have to go.
On thursday night and last night I hung out with CR and Lighthouse. Both times I arrived to Lighthouse's house. On thursday he gave me a delicious wine made of fruits and we went to see The Informant!...for free! He had tickets. I wasn't much into the movie (I suggested it, though) and CR fell asleep throughout it, but Lighthouse was loving it. That was great, though, he'd laugh out loud often. Also, he bought me M&Ms. Afterwards I took CR home and boy, he was cranky. It was a mixture of his dislike for the movie and the fact that he'd just woken up. It was very funny, really.
Last night the three of us went for pizza. Something had happened before but read on to learn what. Going out helped me appreciate my life as it is a great deal. I drank a bit of beer to go along with the boys. We talked about Lighthouse's idea of running a magazine but we'll see how that goes. It was a fun conversation and when we came home we saw one movie and a half.
Both times we rode in Lighthouse's car and I was his co-pilot. Last night he opened the car door for me...well, he always does that, mostly because the driver's side won't unlock, haha, but I mean, last night he *held* the door for me. And I say hello and goodbye to him with a hug. That makes me smile really hard. I'm a little physically attracted to him, but I wouldn't call this a crush anymore. We're not emotionally close, I kind of wish we were. But I just enjoy his company and you could say he's pretty much the closest thing I currently have as a "home" in a boy. It was thanks to our good night hug that I was able to go to bed with a smile, in spite of what had happened earlier (and continues happening in my head).
Now, please hang on tightly as I talk about the following...
Yesterday I went into the Photos section of my FB. I never, never do, but it came to my attention that my friend Angie had updated and I wasn't notified (what can I say, I love her and I'm always pending of her updates).
First album I say is "my wedding, bitches"...by Joseph. The main picture was a couple of bridesmaids passed out. Oh, God. I decided to check the album, for several reasons that I may explain later. So yeah, Joseph and his wife, getting married at this pretty place in the woods, him in a tuxedo, her in white, holding hands; pictures of their entourage; a picture of him with his dad and brother...
The positive: I saw Joseph and I wasn't in love with him anymore. I saw him and I said, as CR tells me, "I'm not missing out on anything". He looks good as usual, he's handsome, but in some of the pictures he made me go, "meh".
The negative: everything else. I was devastated. I looked at the pictures thinking I was over him enough to endure looking at reality and feel that I didn't care so maybe I could even delete him from FB. But instead, I ran to my bedroom and ellaborated. No, I didn't cry, I ellaborated, I had this huge conversation with myself about how and what I was feeling, why I shouldn't feel bad, why I was...lots of things.
But then it was time for me to drive to Lighthouse's house and man, on my way there I BAWLED as if Joseph had dumped me a couple of hours ago. My friend Victor1 told me a few nights ago that I speak of this Joseph thing like it was a fresh wound. And last night I realized it still is. A year and a half later, I still cry like it's 2009. HELL, I still cry like it's October 2008!
It. Fucking. Hurts.
It's been a while since I've wanted to die. To truly kill myself and make this pain stop. This is where I had to use all of my cognitive resources to give myself a reality check. But it seems that instead of getting closure, the wound gets ripped apart more and more. And Joseph grows happier and happier, with his wife and his baby* whereas I'm stuck. You can tell by the pictures that his wedding was very fancy, so I'm guessing he has a good-paying job now.
* Victoria wrote to me this morning, saying she'd just seen the pictures of the wedding and the baby, and was basically showing me her support (much, much appreciated and needed). I didn't see the pictures of the baby nor do I plan to.
I drove crying out loud. 20 fucking minutes of non-stop tears, my face all wet and I cried so hard that I threw up a little in the car. Lighthouse didn't notice (because he's very nice to me and comes to greet me at the door and it's dark there) but CR did ask me what was wrong. I gave CR a ride back home at midnight and explained to him. He was being too rational for my taste at the moment. I mean, when you're in shock, you're all emotions.
That's not to say I haven't tried to keep things under an objective perspective. I'm not stuck...I have a job that pays the bill, I have a clinic that makes me feel self-fulfilled, I go out with friends, I have all my basic needs covered and I have a path in life that involves living abroad for a while. Granted, it's not happened yet, but I've taken steps, filled out the stupid scholarship applications and sooner or later it will. I mean, my life is not bad AT ALL.
But I'm still wounded by all this. I'm still in a state of emergency and I want to cry. I can't describe all the things that have gone through my mind since I saw the pictures last night, but they all come down to the fact that I loved Joseph so fucking hard and he brainwashed me for four years and then stopped loving me because I failed him and married and knocked-up someone else. And he's happier with her than with me. CR told me last night, "confidentially", that his wife hits him, but I can't quite grasp what kind of hitting he means by that. Regardless, he chose her. He is in love with her and he's happier with her than he was with me. I know that because in retrospective, I was a big bore to him, I admit that. I didn't know better at the time. Now I'm just one of his many ex-girlfriends, and you don't talk or think about this people when you're married. Especially when you're happily married.
Suffice to say that I'm shattered. I'm even surprised that it hit me this hard...I mean, I knew he was married, I knew he was having a baby. He let me know how happy he was with her. I know it was so easy for him to move on. I suppose it's different once you see it with your own eyes. The one time I check my friends' photo updates and he's there. And I don't know what to do with all this hurt. I insist on keeping connected to him because I tell myself one day something big will happen to me and he'll see it. But seriously, does he even care about me anymore? I saw his face in the pictures, he was a familiar face, but the person I knew is dead.
CR backs me up on that. And he insists I thought I knew him but he assures me we never know someone entirely. I know that, but by the tone he uses, I'm thinking he knows relevant things. CR, in a hurtful attempt to console me, says "you know you guys had been having trouble for quite a while". Mmm...no, I didn't. But YOU know, CR, so Joseph knew and kept it quiet, and I went on thinking the troubles we had were normal. But hey, I was in love. He wasn't anymore. We also were tense because I was scared of getting pregnant, while he assured me that couldn't happen. I guess that couldn't happen only because I suck at sex, because by the arrival of his child, I'm assuming there was nothing wrong with his sperm, as he once told me.
And you know, I could rant a lot more about this and beat myself to the ground. It doesn't feel like I lost a boyfriend, it feels like I lost a husband. I feel like crying so bad and I don't know what to do with myself, the pain is driving me crazy but in the end I'm just impotent to do anything about it, other than calm myself down through rational thoughts and distractions. I'm about to go meet with CR, maybe he can spare me a couple of minutes for me to cry.
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