My criminal soulmate and the life I owe.
Thursday, 05/13/04 - 10:26 pm.

I went to the cafeteria this afternoon, to look for Joseph, like we'd agreed I would, yesterday. He wasn't there, and I thought I wasn't going to look again. I was going to give up.

But then he showed up where I was, at 3 o'clock. And we talked, duh. For an hour.

I suppose I should be scared of him. He two people. Yeah, as in "I took their lives". But that didn't scare me, really. What did scare me was when he asked me what I wanted to do, and he suggested steal a car. He pretended to be holding a gun, and begun acting as a real criminal: listen, kid, I know your daddy bought you this precious Eclipse, my daddy never got me a me a favor...could you please get out of MY car?.

His face, Jesus Christ. He kind of scared me, I know he's capable of doing it. After listening about his life this past week, I know he's capable of doing such things.

He told me he thought a lot about me last night. That he'd stayed in front of a casino near the university at 8:20, to see my car just drive by on my way home (detail, I've never seen your car). That he wanted to call me at midnight (but was afraid I'd be sleepy and I'd tell him to fuck off). So and so. We decided to leave the campus and go to the coffehouse that's become OUR coffehouse.

I was with him for three hours. I skipped class, but not on purpose. When I looked at my watch, I realized I was 15 minutes late, and it was useless for me to try catch up with that class. I hate it, anyway. The professor is lame and she doesn't teach anything. So I stayed with him for another hour. Until 6:30.

His life is just fuckin' novel material. I really loved the story when he went hunting with his dad and he started to scream at his dad that a "pig with fangs" was chasing him. And I was relieved to see he was in a better mood than yesterday.

He always has this sort of "feature story", and today's one was about how he was going to kill two guys who'd had sex with his girlfriend. It was some kind of rape, they got her drunk and she didn't remember. He was going to beat them up, right on the day we met (last monday), but Cel told him not to do it. And I guess that's when I started to feel attracted to her...none of my friends could convince me to let them go, only she could.

He says he has three goals with me: make me laugh out loud...which he already did, when he showed me a picture of himself with blond hair...he looks so different, so ridiculous. You'd just graduated, hadn't you?, I asked him. How'd you guess?. It's just typical. Ok, that's the first one. The second one, is to make me "explode" (as in desperate me) and the third one is to surprise me. Not like "Ohmygod!", more like, "HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT!". Which I told him was practically impossible.

He walked me to class, and he was very...affectionate. So it's time for the sad goodbye?, he asked. Not quite, we still had some time to talk more. Again, "oh, when I didn't know you...". Then he described me a scene from Meet Joe Black that seemed to show our little affair of not looking at each other. I told him I haven't seen that movie (yesterday I said the same about The Crow, his favorite movie)

There are lots of movies you must can I kidnap and get you to see them? Oh, I know...I'll go to your house, wearing shorts and smoking, and I'll tell your dad, "dude, can I borrow your daughter?". "Do you study?", he'll ask. "No". "Do you have a job?". "No". "My daughter is 19, how old are you?". "24".

Man, I pick them good.

At times I can't help thinking he does seem to be really in love with me, by the way he looks at me and the things he says. He told me that he didn't think I'd really care about him, that I'd never notice he was feeling down (yesterday), let alone that I'd take the time to listen to him. Dude, that's what friends do. That, and not stealing Fight Club (the book) from a friend of yours to give it to the girl you met a week ago.

Alright, it's been a week of Joseph this and Joseph that. Boring and repetitive, I imagine. But guess what? not for me.

But yeah, I have a life besides him. Him, the weirdest friend I've ever had, right next to Victor, who wanted me "for christmas", and Angel (aka Head), who asked me to "be the grandmother of his grandchildren" (best pick-up line ever).

As a matter of fact, I am signing up for a two-day seminary, about law and psychology.

And, besides that, I'd been wanting to kill myself these past days. But I realized I can't, because this life isn't mine. It belongs to the people around me, my family, my friends. If it were mine, I'd have taken it a long, long time ago (sometimes I regret not killing myself in 8th grade).

I'd been reminiscing (sad things) a lot since Joseph and I started to talk regularly (*cough*an average of two hours everyday*cough*). And when I'm home, I think of so many things I'd like to tell him. And the funniest thing is that he does the same, he told me today. It's stupid. I think of so many things I'd like to ask you, but when I'm with you I just forget.

Tangent, tangent. Goddammit!

Alright, so I was saying. This life is not mine. Which led me to another thought: my body is perfect.

I don't mean I have a beautiful face and the body of a Victoria's Secret model. I mean perfect in the sense of "ten fingers and ten toes!". See, in the movies, parents are always saying that about their newborns. "She's perfect, she's got ten fingers and ten toes!". So I say the same about my body. All the systems work perfectly. And not thanks to me, my psyche, because I don't control most of my body functions. My body, everybody's body, has a life of its own. And so, that's why I kind of feel perfect.

Say, do you know that the Ecuador government will do to beautify the city for Miss Universe? They'll hide away the homeless. No, really. One day I will boycott Miss Universe.

Alright, I'm going to be honest: my mind keeps going back to Joseph, his Fight Club life, the adoration for his father and his criminal tendences.

Me: After watching you doing that (pretending to rob a car), I get the feeling you and I met in a past were a criminal, I know. You were a criminal, and you robbed me.
Him: your heart, I hope.

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