Friday, 05/21/04 - 10:35 pm.
In Psychology of Development today, we watched a video about sexual abuse in kids. It was about prevention, kind of, and the characters were puppets. There was a song about "genitals liking love", as in "kids, nobody can touch you if you don't want them to". I thought how stupid that is. LOVE is the reason why some little kids turn into victims without knowing it...the relative easily says I am your uncle, and I LOVE you, and that's why I'm doing it.
I almost cried when the puppet monkey girl was in a swing, crying, because a grown-up monkey was "playing a game she didn't like". God.
There's something that never gets old in my life (as a university student), and that's my friends. My four friends. Those moments in which we make a circle, or we walk shoulder to shoulder, repeating our professors' lines (such stuff is not just like that, in the most inmediate translation). It's typical for us to be talking and suddenly burst in frenetic laughter. I love those moments. I love those four psyches.
No, there's no "BUT..." after that paragraph. I just felt like saying that about my friends. They always make my day. Joseph says we're like this little clan...and small clans are the best...there are no rituals. And he's right.
We'd scheduled to meet up today (my friends and I), to work on a long, long research. And nobody but me showed up. Angie is not taking that class. Victoria had something to do. Irene was sick and Victor had a performance with his band. So I was there, all by myself in the little forest, feeling dumb because I suck at math, and I had to find out how many people, out of 9,510 students in my university, will be needed for our research ("a lot", I'm afraid, is not a valid answer).
Joseph arrived, and since my friends didn't, he stayed with me. We talked for about an hour. His past is just amazing...6 months in the military, and then he went to L.A., to hit downtown clubs (The Firecracker is the one I remember), where he, among other things, met RUN DMC and saw Stone Temple Pilots when they were just releasing "Purple". He's SUCH a downtown soul.
I had guitar lessons at 3:30. He was walking me there, and it just so happens that the little building (more like a house) were I take the guitar lessons can be seen from my brother's office (my brother, the one who's a professor AND the coordinator of the career of psychology in my university). Since I told him my brother works there, Joseph gets paranoid once in a while, so he just shook my hand...I kissed him, anyway. I'm the one dating you, so that's my problem.
My guitar instructor is in Victor's band (performing at the time of my lessons). He'd said someone would take his place today. When I walked into the little house, I saw a certain guy I've always had a thing for...it's the boy who played guitar at The Beatles' tribute last october. I've been seeing him often lately, but when I saw him in the room where I play guitar, "is he going to be my instructor today?"...I turned around and tried to catch up with Joseph. I was just afraid of meeting him, I guess (tangent: he looks like the boy on Everwood). So no, I didn't attend lessons today.
Joseph had simply vanished, but I found him in front of the cafeteria, where Victor was performing with his band. The concert, I must mention, was to remember five students who were killed in 1979 by the National Guard. In the 1970s it was usual that people protested against the repression of the government. And it was usual that the government sent the National Guard to shoot them down. And that's when these five students were murdered.
Joseph said let's go to the coffeehouse, and we went. And I brought up the subject of these five students, and eventually I told him about my worries. I told him I was scared another war might take place in a near future.
I discovered we have very, very different points of view about war. Ok, I hadn't mentioned this, he's from Mexico (he came here in the 80s). So this isn't his country, and he's been in the military; his point of view is very...practical, so to speak. Very different to mine. He says war is necessary. Not exactly a good thing (I'm not in this world to judge anything or anybody), but it's necessary.
I disagreed with him a lot....no, not exactly. I don't know, I just don't think like he does, and yet he made some valid points. There's one thing we did agree on, and that's how stupid the USA is, by sending people to a place that's been at war forever, like they can fix everything, when they just make it all worse.
He's very smart. He analizes everything so well and has such strong arguments, he almost convinced me war is good. Ok, not "good", but sometimes necessary. Maybe it is, because people are stupid...plus, after reading Freud and Jung and others, I am convinced people love violence, agression, conflicts, war. You see this thing, in the Bible..it took God six days to create everything, and then He took one day to rest. Well, people couldn't live in peace for six days and be at war for just one...they NEED to be at war for six days and then have peace for one day...and even on that one day, what would they do with peace?. I still don't agree with him a lot, but I seriously enjoyed our conversation about something of such magnitude.
I didn't want to talk to you about this (our visions on war), he said. I convinced him it was ok. We don't have to agree on everything, do we? That doesn't change my feelings for him and viceversa. I really wanted to talk about this with him, about my worries...although he ended up worrying me a little more, as he comes from the street, and he's heard rumours, about something building up.
All the girlfriends I've had...all the girls I was somehow involved with before you were banal, trivial, shallow. He said that one of the things he adores in me is the way I can have a conversation about something beyond "oh, boo-hoo, my dad won't let me take the car" (jerks, that's what they were). He loves my mind, and he loves when I get "all scientific". You love knowledge, and I love that in you so much.
I love his mind, too. We discovered he reminds me of my cousin, the one I learned so much with, in one afternoon. I want Joseph to teach me so many things, and at the same time, he says I'm just what he needs. This is something I never thought of doing...being in this coffeehouse, with the woman of my life, talking about significant subjects. Right now, I'd be in the cafeteria, picking fights with anyone who looked at me.
After being in the coffeehouse for an hour and a half, I told him we should leave, because it was packed (it's not very big) and if somebody else walked in looking for a table, they'd kick us out. No, they can't do that. We're regulars, we come here everyday. I learned this from my jobs: you don't mess with regular clients. They won't ask us to leave, they couldn't afford losing us. He makes me feel very special.
You know what I love about you? You never, NEVER looked down on me. You never made eye contact with me at first, but when we officialy met, you never looked at me like I was scum, as most people do. You didn't judge me. You were curious. You were open-minded...you trusted me. I always suspected you hated physical contact (God, he's good), but now you let me touch you like we've been together for years...I'll take care of you so much. I need you, and I bet I need you more than you need me. I wouldn't know about that last statement, though.
In short (too late for that) I was with him from 2:30 'til 6:30. I can't get enough of him, physically and mentally. And it's wonderful that he feels the same about me. When we're walking around the campus, he goes: in this place I saw you one day...I wanted to crash against this pay phone, just to catch your attention, but I was afraid you'd just spit on me. He's silly, yes.
Yesterday he was pretending my brother was around when he was kissing me goodbye. I love it when he gets all theatrical...he jumped back and threw himself against the wall, and your brother will ask "what are you doing to my sister, motherfucker?" and I will say "nothing, I'm Spiderman".
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