Diving in a meaningful depression.
Saturday 02/09/02-Sunday, 02/10/02 - 11:21 pm - 12:23 am.

Geez, my sister has been in front of this shit for almost four hours!!!! That wasn't even done by me in my times of Internet addiction. I find that kind of selfish. I hate to say this (well, not completely, since I'm saying it), but I hope she moves back into her house soon. I can't stand the mess in my room. I love her and her lovely child, but I can't stand them here 24/7.

I had a bad, bad, terrible day. I was (I still am) way too sensible, -above all- because of my period. It was due two days ago. I'm always late (this time I'm literally ahead of time, it usually comes one week later than last time). That's another good reason why I don't have sex...every month I'm late, imagine how doubtful I'd be every month.

I cried my ass off, because I asked my nephew to turn off the Nintendo and he said: no, I won't. I'd been wanting to cry the whole morning and he just made me explode. I ran to the bathroom and cried and cried and cried and cried, so desperately, with a book on top of my head.

I sort of recovered throughout the day, but I'm starting to feel tearful and depressed again. I'm feeling so sad that it's even funny, in some wicked sort of way. And my head hurts, I'm sleepy. But I have to be on here, because my sister is so damn selfish.....ok, that didn't make a lot of sense. I'm mad, moody and sleepy, ok?

The guy called and I...well, he tried to "do" it and I said no, I can't, everybody is here -not true-. He said at the end: well, just calling to check on you. I went "thanks", when in reality, I should've said: "BULLSHIT, YOU WANTED TO FUCK!". Well, to do that... -he went on- ...and to do *something* else.... *sigh*...I love him, I love him so much but this is it. This is the last time I hurt myself for you, fuckin' blind boy. It's taken me way too long, it's gone way too far.

My guy...you know? he's the boy that has driven me insane the most. But I'm through. I'm done with you, I'm sick of you and your stupidity. I'm sick of your lame reasons to have a friendship with me. I really don't need "another guy" to get over you. You are the one reason I need to be over you. I've chosen forevermore not to love you, ever again.

[It's understood that I'll try to, right? You can't, I can't expect myself to say "I don't love you" and suddenly don't love him anymore just like that. It hurts to say "I don't want to love you (because I do want)", but it hurts to say "I love you", too, knowing it's useless, just a one-way feeling. If I'm to hurt myself, at least that pain has to help me to move on and not to stay in the same place, dammit].

Celina (she called me...she understands) said that Melvin is not the kind of guy who'd make a commitment, he's just bouncing back and forth among girls. I knew that, I've always known it. But it's good that someone reminds me so. I'm not sad about "losing" Melvin. I haven't, he's always there. I do love him, and just as a friend. I just feel pathetic for falling in confusion so quickly, specially with him, my whore friend (if we lived in a feminist world, he'd be considered a true prostitute).

Aawww...*tear in right eye*. No, I mean it. There's a tear in my right eye. Damn period, I hate this hormonal phase. The guy asked me if I knew of someone who'd masturbate...duh, everybody...*almost* everybody, I went. I thought of hormones. Hormones sucks. I hate hormones, they've hated me my whole life. All of my friends are way too hormone-driven, that was the reason why I kept being dumped since 8th grade (I've said it, Veronica and everyone else I considered my friend traded me for their hormones and pheromones)....that was the reason I met the guy, hormones attracted him to me, and viceversa. Fuck hormones.

I ask myself: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? Why am I crying so much? Why am I so sensible? (yes, I know the answer, but let me ask, I'm sensible and I need to vent).

Add Valentine's Day to this emotional breakdown. Now that I'm guy-less, I feel even more stupid in such day. No, I'm not stupid. The purpose of the day itself is stupid.

I've spent half of my life trying to be *at least* "pretty"...not beautiful, just "pretty". I changed and -in my humble opinion-, I now consider myself "pretty", and some kind of "gorgeous" (self-esteem rocks). Pretty wasted, too. I'm pretty, so what? I'm alone, there's no one who appreciates me because of that, I mean...heck, you get the idea (do you?). I believe I'm always having a crush on someone because I need motivation to go through the day. Seeing that someone in a few minutes, thinking that he'll see you on the next recess.....Everytime I burst my bubble and wake up to reality, I feel terribly pointless, with nothing to wait for. Yes, pretty much like right now.

I'll go to the bathroom, I need to cry (honestly, I hate getting my pillow wet). I wish I had some prozac.

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