Shallow depth.
Friday, 04/26/02 - 5:49 pm.

Maybe it's because of what happened yesterday, but I feel different. Quite different.

Reading the local newspaper and Time magazine and riding around the city, watching human misery, makes me feel sorry for existence itself. There's no way out. Whatever changes, it's always for worse.

Everytime I think of that situation, I feel I know a bit more. I feel I've found a new reality. A reality that's always been there, but I'd been ignoring. God knows how many more are out there that I'm not aware of.

Halftime: shallow issues.

Yesterday we went to the lab with Charlie and we made some weird substance, that left us smelling like vomit. Yeah, I know...plainly disgusting. Even worse...only my classmates and I got to do the practice yesterday, so we were the only ones smelling. Classroom D sucks. We spent most of the day outside the classroom, attending classes at the green tables, because inside of it, there was a slight smell of rotten fruit. We finished the experiment today and the disgusting smell turned into sweet pineapple scent. But for the time being, it's advisable not to walk in front of the chem labs.

I had another math test this morning. I did better than the first one. Not good enough, but better. I told Geovanni, the psychology teacher, that I felt sort of mediocre, trying to reach a 6, instead of a 10, as it should be. Well, it's only mediocre if you haven't done your best. You have. Yeeeeeah, I have. But what if your best is not good enough?

Geovanni's one of the funniest teacher I've ever had. There are no words to describe him. We're now talking about sexuality, and he's just so pure and simple to talk about it. He knows so much about it, he connects with young people so well. Penis, vagina: those are their names. But we've focused more on the psychological side of sexuality (from personality to homosexuality).

Boyfriend-girlfriend relationships are very important when you're a teenager. They make you grow. They teach you a lot of things. And of course, I had to start thinking about it.

I've finally accepted that I spent (because it's practically over) my entire life in school without a real relationship with a boy. And it's somewhat frustrating. I've missed that experience. Whether it would have ended up as a failure or as a success, it's an experience. And that's got me some a bit sad. It's kind of unfair. I don't set up standards, I don't go saying that my "perfect partner" would be this or that way. Like Geovanni said, having that experience during youth is a must. Maybe that's why I feel a little hole in my life. I've lost hope and given up.

It's awful when you're expecting something you know won't happen.

I got to have lunch at the same table as the guy yesterday. We happened to be hanging out with the same group of people. And...well......nothing. Nothingness. I'm 75% sure I won't give him the teddy bear. We are not friends. We are each other's sexual toy.

Last night was probably the longest night of my life. No, nothing happened...I had several motherfuckin' long dreams. I'd wake up every now and then, but it was far from being time to get up. Which I was loving. I hate to wake up and find out I can't sleep more. But it seemed I was waking up every fifteen minutes. Strangely, when I finally got up (some time before the alarm went off) I felt very rested.

I heard about Lisa Lopes's death. It's terrible. I watched TLC's Behind the music so many times, that I started liking them so much. They were funny, talented, different, with meaningful songs...and as a matter of fact, Lisa was my favorite. Rest in peace, Lisa.

Funny when you think about could die in 2 seconds.

A few days ago, my conflict was being loved and ignored. Now I feel this weird thing of shallow and deep things in my life.

Aerosmith Icon will be on may 9th...finally.

I have the-little-part-of-Girls-of-Summer-I've-listened-to stuck in my head. It's not rock & roll (sadly), but I still like it. Like Jaded, it's the kind of song I listen to when I'm manic-depressant, trying to cheer myself up, paying no attention to the lyrics and making up my own.

Some girls are all about it
some girls they love to let it fly
some girls can't live without it
some girls are born to make you cry

Go find out a reality you weren't aware of.

I don't want to be a statue.

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