Sunday, 06/05/05 - 10:20 pm.
My brother is moving back into the house. Problems with the girlfriend again, perhaps this time for good. I don't know how I feel, because she's nice, but I sure am happy of having him back. It's great to have him around, and I get to have a more interesting ride to and from university.
Now, onto my own messy romantic life. Oh, no, it's quite alright, actually. This morning I had an urge to call Joseph. The bad mood I'd been dragging since thursday disappeared when I heard his voice.
I explained I'd been feeling awful, and that was why I hadn't called. He said it was ok, because then he'd have reacted equally lame. What made me feel better was to know that, on thursday, after our cold waving from afar, he walked around campus looking for me. Shame I was in class.
He was telling me that, that day, the dyed red-hair girl, his ex-girlfriend, wanted to talk to him. An explanation about what happened between them, or something. He told her he wasn't going to explain anything to her, he didn't have to, but she kept insisting. I said, "look, if you don't stop it, I will have to stand up and turn my back to you". She kept going and asking questions. When I say no, it's no, period. So I stood up and turned my back to her.
I feel sorry for her. But I wonder if she ever stopped and thought he was just getting out of a strong relationship (with me). I would never hook up with a guy who broke up with his adored girlfriend three or four days ago. And not until it was clear he was over her. For what he's told me, she suspected he still was hooked on me. Also, he's treating her the way I feared he'd treat me, although the truth is that he's never been remotely that way toward me*.
*I look back on our last days as boyfriend and girlfriend, and I think I said, or at least hinted, something like he was being verbally abusive and such...I believe I was oversensitive at the time (after all, I was overly emotional, considering every one of his moves a step closer to our break-up), and now if he came and called me coward and all that, I wouldn't take him too seriously anymore.
So we are quite alright. And I feel much better.
My computer will probably be taken to be repaired, this week. We don't turn it off at night, fearing it won't respond the next time we want to turn it on. Also, I think it's wrong that you can't burn anything other than music tracks. Hence why I haven't been able to save the 800+ pictures I've taken since I got my digital camera on christmas. I don't know how high is the risk to lose everything when it's taken away, but just in case, we're clasifying the most important stuff, to be saved in diskettes or in e-mail accounts (I know, what the fuck?).
Of course, now that my brother is coming back, I can use his laptop to make back-ups.
Speaking of saving, I'm saving my Diaryland entries (over 3,100!) to my hard drive, hopefully I can burn them on a CD in a near future. Right now, I'm in july 2003, I'd just started dating 1. He was such a wonderful guy (without you I'm not lonely, I'm incomplete), but I really had no feelings for him, and I confused butterflies in my stomach with being in love. I didn't even get in touch with him for a month while we were dating. I'm sorry for getting involved with him, because I hurt him.
Joseph, on the other hand...it's been over a year now, and I feel the same for him as I did when we met. I'm still crazy about him. This morning I was walking Frog and suddenly I craved him beside me, just to hold his hand. That's how my "I don't feel like talking to him" phase, that I had since thursday, finished.
- Joe: I find no intelligent reason to smoke. The most rational explanation why I'd smoke would be that someone wants to do it and needs company, support. Of course, between you and I, only you.
Ok, well...he scares me. I have less and less doubts that he likes me. I'm scared I'll hurt him eventually, because I do like him, so much, but I can't leave Joseph.
Last night, I dreamed I was pregnant. I'm sure Joseph was the father, because when I was told it'd be a girl, I thought of how happy he'd be. My water broke, but then I'm not sure what happened. I think I was taken to the hospital, but I never had the baby. She got lost, she was either never given to me, or she never came out, and my body absorbed her (!). Afterwards, I was with Joe outside my house, he was doing a puzzle. We were like 12 years old, and I was dying to kiss him.