A state of backward anger.
Thursday, 10/13/05 - 10:59 pm.

I had a whiny entry about a vicious cycle, but seeing a little note of mine in a newspaper's juvenile magazine has lifted up my spirit a little.

But things aren't going well, really. This week has been the busiest week of my life, and I've had my share of those over the last five-six years. But this is the point in which I actually feel the bags under my eyes, and I'm about to break down at any second.

So, this vicious cycle: I spend the whole day outside the house, either interviewing children or in campus, running errands (I don't know where they come from! But suddenly, an hour is gone). Thus, either way, I make no progress whatsoever on any assignment. By the time I get home, and exhausted, and I have no will to work...and even if I did, I have to wake up early the next day, so I need to go to bed early.

I could erase the "update diary" from my daily to-do list, but this is pretty much my only outlet.

I'm going to skip the horrible stories I heard from the children at the shelter. Most were covered in scars, and some were severely depressed. There are victims of all kinds of abuse there, and usually the abuse goes on at the shelter.

I did make two friends. These kids crave love and kindness so much that they don't hesitate in coming up to you and giving you a hug. They call the adults "uncle" or "aunt", so I got called "aunt" a lot. One kid gave me a drawing, and you wouldn't believe how hard he was smiling when I was praising his work. Really, it was so good. And then this other kid ran up to me when I was leaving and offered me a candy, and gave me a hug. I'd interviewed both earlier. I wanted to take the second one home with me. He asked if I was coming back. I am.

That's pretty much the problem. Victor and I are sick of going there. It's just that it's sucking up most of our time, and we hate the ungodly hours we meet at. We've agreed on telling Sara (the gal in charge) to tell her we can't go on sunday morning (SHE WANTS TO GO AT 7:30 FOR MORE INTERVIEWS!!!), because we have a midterm on monday. Which is true.

Which makes me want to cry, because it's Methods of Evaluation, and that's the subject I'm failing the worst.

After being done with the shelter, we took a cab back to campus. Sara and Victor got off somewhere, so I was the only one on the cab, when it pulled up in front of the Burger King restaurant next to the university. I was planning on going for lunch to the coffeehouse, but it was across campus, and I was so dead I settled for junk food. It's the third time this week, and you can't imagine the guilt I got out of feeding my exhausted body with crap (ha, you thought I'd say something like getting fat...yeah, I did think about calories and getting fat, but reason triumphed).

I'd left my backpack at Sara's office, and it closes for lunch. Luckily, in the instructors' cubicle there was AngelGuy, who's so charming I could hug the stuffs out of him. Later on, Ve showed up, and it was the three of us feeling down, for different reasons. I had this backward anger, meaning, I was feeling depressed. We made drawings on the blackboard, that's nearly filled. Ve said there are two fans of my Simeon drawings, who want to have a drawing. Aw.

The three of us ran some errands, and Ve and I ended up sitting in Mr. PhD's building, waiting for the office to open so I could recover my backpack. We didn't have an endless conversation, because there were moments of silence, but we talked. And it was cool. She and I share this rejection of going to the restooms in couples or groups, as it's custommary in girls. Also, we each own a pair of black All-Stars, and we miss wearing them when we have other pair on.

Do you have a good memory? I don't, so I'd like you to hold my memories, she said. Fuck, isn't that beautiful? She isn't poetic or anything, but that came out wonderful. But then she forgot what she was going to say to me. Well, she did warn me about her memory.

We took our separate ways when we came back to the cubicle, and then I didn't see her. I tell Joseph I needed a female friend like her. I do have Michelle, and Priscilla and Irene, and I swear they're a crazy bunch, but Ve is something different from them. I needed a female friend like her. Of course, I explain Joseph all this trying to convince him I'm not lesbian (heh).

Speaking of Joseph, he scared me today. When he showed up to the cubicle, he had an awful face. I thought "maybe a friend of his died". My dad is dying, he said. I didn't know what to do. We spent nearly half an hour just sitting. There was nothing I could say. He was shaking, and he took out a cigarrete. We had to go to the cafeteria, where he could forget everything. Because aside from me, no one else was to know.

His dad is his idol. He said he'd kill himself if his dad died. Today's the closest he's been to tears, at least in front of me. Aside from you, he's all I have in this world.

Luckily, he called home and apparently, his dad was recovering from the crisis. He was calm, and he even treated me to ice cream. And I could finally let him know I was about to faint, because I was exhausted.

I only had one class, though, from 6:30 to 8. I could finally come home and sort of relax (read = write this entry). I just talked to Joseph, and his dad is out of danger now. That's a huge relief. I will not see him tomorrow, as he has to spend time with his dad and do something else. But those are details.

This is the place where I'd see you sitting, and as I was coming your way I kept wondering "should I talk to her, will she freak out, how can I approach, what if I scare her...", and suddenly I'd already walked by you and I was leaving you behind.

He's so cute.

Oh, hey. Joe came to visit me to the cubicle. He was wearing a Let It Be t-shirt, yay.

I am so tired I have a buzz in my head. I'm still feeling a little depressed, but not so much as when I came back home.

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