Thursday, 8/1/02 - 12:15 pm.
Good Lord....have you ever smiled in a way that's just unbereable for your face? I'm smiling so hard I feel my face is going to fall off...
Last night I had problems with my internet connection. I even left a friend of mine in the middle of a conversation. Damn server. I can't remember exactly what time it was, but it must've been between 5:30 and 7:00 pm. It was 10:30 and the server was still down.
God, he's leaving tomorrow, I need to at least say goodbye. I was desperate, and I kept executing the ISP and doing all kinds of crap that I still don't quite get but sometimes seem to work to get the server back up (as if I was responsible for that...). Nothing. I gave up at 11:38.
Just....Fuck it! do you think he even cares about you saying good-bye?, one voice in my head told me. And I thought that maybe that voice was right. So I went to bed.
Before I fell asleep, I prayed for my friends. I miss them so much. Not that I'd just love to be in Honduras with them (I'm glad I stayed), I just miss them. And if it's this hard to be without them for one week, imagine how I'll feel when school is over. I know, you kind of learn to live missing them and even get used to their absence...maybe that'll happen, but I miss them so much right now. I prayed for all of them, especially my dearest friends, to have made it safely. I prayed for him to have a good trip today.
God, please, if You exist...I mean, fuck, I know You exist, but I guess You're used to people conditioning Your existence to what You do for them and such...I'm sorry, I don't mean it that way. I just want to ask You for him to...uh, say good-bye to me. I couldn't do it because of that internet crap, but You know I have some feelings for him, You know I'm upset when he is "cold" to me and shit...so if You could do me that one favor, to make him say good-bye to me...I'd be very grateful. I know You exist, so you really don't need to prove it with a simple e-mail, even if I don't get one, I know You listened to me. You don't really need to make him do it. But I'd be very thankful if You did it...thank you.
When I'm sleepy, it takes forever for me to ask God one simple thing...I talk and talk and I guess sometimes He gets desperate (at least I would). And even sometimes I don't finish the request because I get distracted with the reflects in my window and the glow-in-the-dark stars and whatever else comes in the way. It's a good thing He understands.
I felt pathetic in the morning. I felt good, but after breakfast and reading the newspaper and turning on the TV, I did feel like crap. Pathetic, for no reason. It wasn't even 8:30 am and I was already feeling miserable (it's 8:30 am...do you know what your friends are doing in Honduras?....do you think your "sex object" will be leaving in the morning?).
You should go clean up your room, my mom said. I got very pissed off at her for saying that. Pissed off as in "no, I won't, because you just told me to do so. I'm 17 years old, I don't need you to tell me to do that". But three minutes later, I was in my room, choosing an Aerosmith album to put on and start cleaning up. I just took a break to take a bath and check my e-mail.
Cleaning up my room cheered me up. It must've been my Aerosmith singing along (it's that effective on me). I'm arranging all the little gifts and letters I've gotten from my friends this year, I threw away some useless shit, I rearranged my clothes...the usual stuff. Aerosmith makes everything better.
I found something dead in the garden. It was covered by one red-ish black ant carpet. You couldn't tell whether it was a small mouse or a newborn bird. I called my mom, she glanced and ran into the house....she came back out with some spray to kill the ants. She says the house is being invaded by ants. I haven't noticed that. Anyway, two minutes later, all of the ants were dead, still on the bird (now you could tell it was indeed a newborn bird...I wonder how it got there...one never knows). Now all of them are with Elvis. My mom felt sorry for the bird, but she was happy about the ants. Huh. Ok. I remembered the book 100 years of solitude, because ants also take over the house.
Anyway...I took a bath and decided to go online for a while. I was still wondering if he'd already left or would leave in the afternoon (having in mind he's leaving the country, I guess he had to leave early in the morning). Logged into the MSN messenger. Vic's nick appeared online. It was either his father or sister. But I had one unread message...
No. No, it can't be. I know he wouldn't do it. It must be some porno advertisement to enlarge the pal or something....
I had lost hope. I was so ready to be disappointed that I wasn't even going to open it. But part of me...was still hoping...and the more I hoped, the more disappointed I know I'd be...And as the page loaded, I could already read the subject: "do me now for free!".
I see the name of the sender...it's his name. I click on it, I see the date (august 1st, 11:05...just five minutes before I logged in) and I read it, with his usual typos (that have been omitted here)...
I....cried. For more than one reason.