FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!
Saturday, 06/02/07 - 10:20 pm.

Yesterday was a much better friday than the previous one, in which I scratched a car, among other little fuck-ups. Yesterday, I got my schedule accomplished, and I had no trouble in the public school parking lot. The watchmen acted like the scratching never happened, and they were nice.

But on the interpersonal relationships front, things are bad. I don't even want to talk about it. It's come to my attention that it's happening something similar to what happened in 8th grade with Carmen and Veronica...although that now is just a blur, I always fear going through that again. You know, feeling excluded and only taken into consideration when I serve a purpose.

Yesterday, I gave Irene, Victor and Victoria a ride. From the public school to campus, and from campus to their houses (well, I dropped Victor off at a mall). Especially this semester, I've been particularly upset because we don't see each other very often, but it seems I keep doing them the same amount of favors. Like keeping their shit in my desk in the cubicle...it might seem minimal, but I leave the desk for some reason and when I come back, it's cluttered with things that don't even belong to me.

Yesterday I gave Victor a ride, when he didn't even ask me to. He was just walking along with Irene, Victoria and I (I was already annoyed at having to give Victoria a ride), and she asked him: are you coming with us?. Yes, he said. In my mind I'm going "WHAT THE FUCK, STUPID? YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ASKED ME!!!!". He and I don't talk anymore, other than saying hi and goodbye. And in the car it wasn't any different. I wanted to find a way to tell him to fuck off and ride the bus, but obviously I couldn't.

I've noticed he's very distant with me this semester, it could be because of the e-mail last semester, that was not supposed to reach any of them, in which I apologized to someone for them being irresponsible. Tough luck, I'm not sorry for having said that. They've been a bunch of irresponsible kids, indeed, and I've been nothing but the queen bee, some sort of slave.

I feel like I've given them good grades they don't deserve. I've always been the mommy running after the toddler to change his diapers, chasing them, begging them to hurry and send their parts in. It's me who's been staying up until 2 am, semester after semester, working on assignments that are supposed to be done in group.

I'm so happy with the new group I've found. We have equal responsabilities, constant communication, and the will to get together and discuss. We have things done on time, and their efficiency is very refreshing. I feel, in a word, safe. It's not just the result...I always knew the result would be mildly satisfactory, but the process to get there always left ME -often just me- drained. With the new group, the process is equally satisfactory. I TRUST THEM, that's the difference.

So yesterday I was feeling...well, devastated. It might sound dramatic, but I can't really put into words all the thoughts, feelings and experiencies I've had with them all these years, that have led me to use that word. You know what else? They're still working together in a subject, so yesterday while they were with me, all they talked about was that. I obviously haven't been to their meetings, nor have I been part of their work at all, so I had no clue what they were talking about. Not that I cared to know, but I started to feel like in 8th grade, and that's never good. Like I wasn't there, I was invisible...no, wait, I was their chauffeur.

However, this afternoon they had to go to some community to start a workshop (the subject in which they're teaming up) with a bunch of preadolescents. It rained at the time of the workshop, and I kind of wished they were screwing things up. I smiled, because I was not with them, and I like not being with them.

I can't really put into words what I'm feeling. I just wish I could talk to someone about this. I can barely tell Joseph, because he goes on other subjects, about hate and suffering and...nah. I actually want to talk about this with S, my instructor; my latest crush, mostly a good friend. But I haven't see him in a while.

Oh, and right now I'm mad at Joseph, too. So currently I'm in tears.

prev / next