Wednesday, 12/24/08 - 11:42 pm.
I didn't think I'd come and write today, but as it turns out, there's not a lot else to do and I need some emotional release. This is not how I thought christmas would be. It's not a tragedy, but it's painful nonetheless.
This morning I put a picture of Frog on the christmas tree. Brother #3's heart melted when he saw that. I miss her. How ironic, all these years she and I spent christmas apart. The one christmas I get to spend it at home, she's dead. She was always silly like that. I miss her so much.
But what has tears piling up is, of course, Joseph. I went to his house this afternoon. His family was in the kitchen, cooking. Well, his parents were hanging out, his brother (professional chef) was cooking. I met his wife and his baby son; I like her. I stayed in the kitchen because his parents asked me to sit down and chat. His brother was kind enough to go tell Joseph I was there.
Since yesterday, I gave it a lot of thought whether to tell him or not how I felt. I rehearsed the speech several times but I kinda gave up. I asked myself if I'd be ok without telling him, which was the most important thing. I told myself we'd see when the situation arose. I feared I'd get carried away, though, and say more than I should and start an argument.
Joseph was pretty much out of it, and it seemed to me he was very sad. For a second I was hopeful that it'd be about me. Since I'd told him I wanted to talk to him, after a while he got me out of the kitchen. He asked what it is and I said it wasn't important anymore. And really, it wasn't. I got over that. He insisted and I just said something like "I wanted to know if you were mad at me".
He said he was mad at everybody. I don't know if at me, too, but certainly there's a lot of tension in his house. His father isn't even speaking to him. His computer crashed so my gift (a keyboard and a USB memory) was appreciated but useless. He looked miserable, really. I stood in silence, and so he did. Then he said "I'll walk you to the door". There, he was gently kicking me out again. I said goodbye to his family.
I hate it when he walks me to the door like that. I told him (and by this point I was about to cry) that he didn't need to kick me out. I walked to my car and then I did the very stupid move of walking back up to him, feel up his arm and tell him it was no use wishing him a merry christmas, but my house was available if he wanted to come over. He only shook his head. I went in the car, he went into the house. I didn't start it, because I was upset and tearful. But I held it in. As much as it hurt being kicked out, it hurt more seeing him like that. I wondered how much of our break up was influenced by circumstances more than feelings. He's not well at all.
Still, I came home and cried. For the first time, I could see clearly that we are through. For a moment, I felt strong enough to come to Facebook and change my relationship status, apparently the only thing that keeps me officialy tied to him (and he's probably not even aware of that, as he's not really a fan ot FB). But now I can't. I can't let go. Because I still think we can come through this and he needs someone to be by his side unconditionally. Ok, and even if we can't come through, he stills needs someone.
You know what's funny? I've run into a guy I used to like two times in about three weeks. A guy I haven't seen in maybe ten years. The first time, at the mall, when we just smiled. And this afternoon, after Joseph's house, my cousin Mario called and invited me to go for a ride in his Volkswagen; I said, what the hell, let's still enjoy this day. So we were at a gas station having coffee and in walks the guy again! This time we talked and he gave me his e-mail; luckily, his e-mail has his name (I was so scared he'd ask me if I remembered his name). I'm about to e-mail him. I'm thinking this is too heavy to be a coincidence...but I don't want anything to do with another guy. I mean, yes...on a physical level. But that's not healthy, is it? I hope he's not available. I hope he has terrible grammar so I'll be turned off inmediately (Joseph has terrible grammar, but it's different: I'm in love with him).
And I have to say this again: this is not how I saw my first christmas with Joseph. No Joseph, no Frog...I might as well could be in the States. He's having a lousy christmas. I had a nice one with my family; I got chocolates, a purple hoodie, some money and cards. Plus, many greetings from friends. It's been merry, but I'm incomplete.
I caught myself praying that he'd show up at my doorstep tonight. Praying hard, but knowing it was just wishful thinking. I trust God, but also I'm aware of reality and Joseph's will. How rotten.