Fighting dysfunctional thoughts about job and Joseph.
Thursday, 01/29/09 - 6:30 pm.

I panicked today, over my job. I'm used to having a lot of spare time, and now, I'll be stuck from 8 to 5-6, being an "assistant", being "the pretty face" of the foundation, because I make the contacts and I translate and I keep agendas and shit. After the interview, I thought this job would never be given to a man.

Talk about being pessimistic, huh? Actually, gender things aside, I like the job. I'm a little apprehensive because it's my first REAL job, that's all. So far, I've only been an instructor and that was part time, I could dress however I wanted, I could show up pretty much whenever I wanted and the people in the cubicle were about my age and had the same interests. ANY job I'd take after that has its advantages and disadvantages, so I mustn't complain. Like I said, though it's not really a job as a psychologist, it was the best of my options.

So I start on monday. They seem happy with me and say they hope I won't leave them soon, like in a year or so...I smiled. I didn't tell them about my plans of studying abroad next year, or the congress in june. I'm a little scared of letting them down, they've put a lot of trust in me.

I went shopping past noon, to add to my wardrobe. Without notice I've built my share of semi-formal clothes so I'm not so bad, but I wanted to make sure I had some extra items. I had some money destined to the payment of my laptop, but I figured that as long I don't ask my dad for money, I'm helping him. So he told me to use the laptop money on clothes. I'll have my own money soon, anyway, so I'll help even more. And I'll pay taxes and stuff. I like handling money, just for the sake of it.

I suppose I'm overwhelmed by the loss of my lifestyle. I've never had a real job before so there goes my flexibility, for instance; or when my baby nephew comes in march, I won't see him much and he doesn't know me (I held him when he was a newborn so it doesn't count). But...I suppose I should let things flow. Let it be. Today I was with my patient and she seemed very positive about finding a job herself, because it means being productive for others and doing something gratifying for yourself. Isn't that what I'm about to do? Cheer up, self.

After all, what else would I do with all this free time? I would seriously dislike myself if I found me like I am now in two or three months. Waking up early, eating, being on the computer, reading, watching TV, going out with friends (blowing my savings or asking dad for a few bucks) know, things you do in your leisure time. My entire time has been of leisure, with the exception of seeing my two patients and working on their cases. I still can do all that, can't I? Except now it'll have to be done past 5.

Speaking of waking up early, my automatic thought every morning is Joseph. He waked me up. Then I find alternative thoughts and I stop myself from feeling so bad, but everything still haunts me. Last night I dreamed I was riding in the back of his car (!!!), he was driving and we picked up his girlfriend, who called him "my love" while she kissed him. I never called him anything.

I felt like crap for a good portion of the day, between the job and Joseph. I tell myself that it's normal to have this kind of anticipation when it comes to a job and I'll do just fine. I tell myself Joseph is not coming back. The more I look at the evidence, the more I'm convinced of that. My automatic thought is to imagine me telling him some things I have bottled up (guilt toward me, anger and love toward him), but I just say it's no use imagining stuff and until a real meeting doesn't happen, I should not think of that. And I stop. I'm taking control; it's an irrational thought, to believe that we can't control our feelings. Cognitive-behaviorism says so.

The intensity of my feelings has diminished with time. I've spent all january grieving endlessly and time is doing its part. Hell, I'm doing my part, too. As it happens with my patient, I have to do, do, do; you can't accomplish recovery if you sit down and think of the same things over and over. Tomorrow I'm going out with a high school friend and her baby (I've visited her before), and I'm excited. At night, I'm seeing CR again, and I hope to discuss Watchmen at large with him, over some alcoholic drink. I can't stand more than a glass, but it's easy to swallow if I think of Joseph. Tragedy plus time equals comedy, and I laugh and I call him a whore. If I'd done to him what he did to me, that's what I'd be called (if I know him well, though, I can say he would be the last person to call me that; he's a whore, but a noble whore).

Nevertheless, I'm in love with him. I'm having the best life I can have right now, but it'd be so much better if I could share this with him. It still takes a considerable effort to accept he doesn't have feelings for me anymore and that he's not coming back. All arguments aside, I love him.

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