Wednesday, 02/04/09 - 8:49 pm.
Everyday, induction at work becomes more boring and boring. Today was the worst, and it'll take a superhuman effort from me to make it through friday.
I paid no attention whatsoever today. I was thinking of Joseph all the time. It was painful, and why would I put myself through that? I'll answer with another question: what else would I think about? Induction, although full of interesting information, is crap and I can't concentrate, anyway. So imagine me spending EIGHT HOURS thinking of Joseph...and his girlfriend. When he'll leave the country (and if he goes without telling me), when he hooked up with her, how much he loves her, how quickly I was left behind and how he'll never come back. Like I said yesterday, I'm still ashamed and I still feel guilty, because I'm the one who drove him away. I know, I know, bad thoughts. I still let them in.
I was thinking of going to the hospital today. I called CR but he said I shouldn't go because Joseph was going to be there. I felt like crying. I did, actually.
At night, Joseph IM'ed me, asking if I knew about Fer. I told him I'd been going to the hospital. He said he went to see him on tuesday and doesn't want to go again. He isn't very hopeful. Then I asked him how was Guatemala and he said awesome. I told him I'd read Watchmen and it ruled, and he said it did. I tried to make conversation, but not much was going on.
He asked me for a favor. To call CR and tell him to meet up tomorrow, to go get some personal document. I start classes tomorrow, by the way :), he said. Driving lessons. I told him I started a job on monday, but then I asked him something else about the message to CR, so he probably didn't read the job line. I called CR, told Joseph CR's answer, and then texted CR with Joseph's reply (their cellphones aren't working, go figure). I was going to pick up the convesation with Joseph about his lessons, "what school?". He said one nearby, I gotta go, bye. And I didn't even get a thank you.
When I went to see Benjamin Button on my own, the trailer for He's Just Not That Into You came on, and a line rang true. As a girl, you tend to believe that a guy that treats you badly does so because he likes you. Yes. But I have to realize, Joseph treats me this way now because he doesn't care about my feelings anymore, and that's all.
I contacted Joe today and nothing happened. I didn't feel anything. He showed me his band's MySpace but I wasn't very much into his music. Clearly, Joe is not the answer.
So I'm screwed. I try my damn best but these thoughts still invade me, and reduce me to tears quickly. When I told CR Joseph had asked me to contact him, he asked me how I was doing, and I said, just grabbing my balls and hanging in there. Remember that all greatness is built upon suffering. I chuckled. And then sobbed.
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