Tuesday, 8/27/02 - 2:15 pm.
Just as I feared, Denver and I separated. Well, he did, from me. I barely saw him today. I suppose he had more important stuff to do. He walked by a few times, I saw him but he just didn't see me, and for what I saw, he wasn't even interested in looking for me.
So I guess this is it.
I had a bad feeling yesteday about something like this happening. Somehow, for some reason, I saw this as a possibility. It was bound to happen. It always happens to me.
Part of me knew it. Part of me told me not to take him for granted yet. It's the part of you that always sees the negative side of everything and you bitch at it for being so negative. But sometimes, reality is negative.
I was very brokenhearted today at school. I cried a bit, without public notice, which is kind of a good thing, I guess. When I was asked what was wrong with me, I blamed my "hi, I have an awful depression because I'm brokenhearted" looks on my flu, although in fact, it is practically unexistant now. I never take any medicines and it just goes away by itself within 3-4 days.
During the first hours of the day, I was very stoic about him. Amazingly stoic. I even had the feeling he wouldn't be coming to my classroom to look for me and I thought that it was ok. I was expecting disappointment, so I really wasn't all that disappointed when I saw my fears come to reality.
It wasn't until the third recess when I broke down. I cried, with my black hood on (it's been a cloudy, cold, dark day, just the way I like it), so no one would notice. As usual, no one did. And that's when I realized he'd made me get out of my little bubble.
And suddenly, it was like I was getting back to the past, everything was like last year, and the beggining of this one: me, alone, sitting on the floor in the hallway next to my classroom doorway, crying for any given reason. When I started getting close to him, part of that lifestyle disappeared....the sad part of solitude disappeared. My life changed, but at the same time, I still could find the good things about solitude in him.
Like I said, I had my hood on my head, so all I could see from people walking by was their shoes. And I realized that thanks to him I discovered that a lot of senior students drag their feet and each person's footsteps make an unique noise. I know the sound of his footsteps, I got used to them, I was always waiting for those unique footsteps to approach. I could tell the difference between his and everybody else's...I heard a thousand footsteps today and none were his.
When I came home, I let it all out. I cried and cried and cried and cried so hopelessly, so desperately. Because it always happens to me. Was there a necessity for this to happen? Was it necessary to have him in my life that way? Yes, I changed. But now that he's gone, it's like I did not, and the only thing I got was yet another wound. I don't know what happened for things to change so quickly, but all I can do now is remember our last conversation and get some strentgh out of those words.
I wondered what's really in his head about me. And the voices replied: nothing. He's just not thinking of you...can't you tell?
I cried. God, how I cried.
Sometimes your heart creates things that are not supposed to be kept to yourself. But I never get to give them to anyone.