Sunday, 06/07/09 - 10:21 pm.
I thought I'd have a slightly sucky weekend, because I had no plans and CR was missing on friday night, so I just came home. Yesterday I talked to him and it turned out his phone had just died. We sort of agreed on meeting, but didn't happen. So I called my friend Mo and she was available.
I really like hanging out with her and her baby. Baby Val is growing some teeth and at six months old she's becoming aware of the world, so in a couple of months she'll be a riot. I got to see Val's dad, an old friend from school (as Mo is) and he seemed so tired. He didn't come for coffee with us because he had university work to do. I admire them for pulling through, both of them, struggling with their career while having a family and raising a child. They look so...adults. I can't see myself, at our age, doing that. They're working very hard, and at some point I heard from him that it did hurt, leaving their originals plan when the pregnancy came up. The very least I can do is offer them my support to relax for a while, I guess.
I spent saturday night at home, too, not really caring about the soccer match that had the whole country all pumped up. I had a headache, as a matter of fact, so I went to bed at 10 pm. I woke up at 8 am, and I was still tired. I wake up considerably tired on weekends, but especially on saturdays. It's a little strange, and I feel like sleeping in but I don't want to. Whenever I think of taking long naps, I say I'd rather go out and have fun.
This afternoon I met up with CR (after lunch with my family). Holy crap, we stayed at this neat coffee place for four hours. We talked about some stuff, and by five, my friend Victor called me and I told him to drop by. They hit it off so well, talking about music; they have the same taste. I said to myself, this is great, I have two of my three best male friends with me (the third one would be Angel). And the cherry on top was Al dropping by later. He loved the place. It was so much fun, being with these guys. I always look forward to meeting with either of them, and they made my weekend.
You know? Yesterday I took a couple of pictures of myself. I saw my cat and I just laid next to her, being goofy. But then I looked at one of the shots and I automatically thought, "when the fuck did I get so hot?". Haha. I know I'm not ugly, in the most broad sense, but cameras don't love me a lot. Seeing myself like that was such an ego boost. And I thought that, unknowingly, I've been carrying out the best revenge: living well. This is a very personal opinion, Joseph and the rest of the world might think otherwise, but I feel like the exgirlfriend that got hotter after getting dumped. And all I can say about that, with all honesty, is, hahahahaha!
CR told me he talked to Joseph this week: "trouble in paradise". Let's begin with Wafles. Mrs Smith hates Wafles. I was like, what the hell, woman, you don't hate Wafles!!! She's an awesome cat. CR told me Joseph was giving her away to him, because his wife hated her. CR told him he's like the dad that remarries and sends his children to a boarding school because the new woman can't stand them.
I'd adopt her if I didn't have two cats already. When she wasn't ignoring me, she was being very affectionate. She used to jump on the bed and cuddle between Joseph and me, sometimes not caring if we were having intercourse.
And then...well, it seems the passion's over in their relationship, and passion is pretty much what their marriage was built upon. I can't really remember what CR said about that (it takes him like 30 minutes to state a 15 seconds idea because he goes on to talk about philosophy and spirituality) but that pretty much sums it up. That girl...I don't understand her, he said. Well, I replied, as long as HE understands her. He doesn't, either. And what do you think when you hear the answer "shut up" to the question "how's your marriage"?
He just doesn't know what he got into, CR says. And while he says he hopes they'll work it out, it looks like they're going their separate ways; at least that's the expression he uses. Say...today marks their 4th month as a married couple. Cheers, man. Hard to think this is the same number of months I spent in anguish and doubt, not knowing if he was getting back to me and reading on his messenger nicknames about how madly hung up he was on her.
Me, I've set my mind on three facts: (1) I'll always be in love with him, (2) we'll never be together again, (3) I'm ok with that. I think I'll live my whole life hoping we'll get back together one day, but also being aware that these things of breaking up happen for a good reason. It' a strange thing to live with, but yeah.
CR said something that I liked a lot (can't remember where he said he got it from): you have to go light. Life is a long journey and you must only take the essentials with you. A lot of the baggage we carry is mostly an obstacle. In my case, I don't need to travel with all this bitterness, all this heartbreak. He said it awesomely, but that's pretty much the idea. The lighter you go, as long as you have the essentials, the more comfortable and enjoyable your trip is. Man, life is meant for you to be tripping. Haha, this guy is very wise. If only he shortened his speeches sometimes.
So anyway, I've been trying to get rid of most of my Joseph baggage. I mean, that man...he owns a part of me. He IS a part of me. But some things have to go, and are going already. With Art, my bitterness has decreased, too, but I really don't want to talk to him. I don't think it'd be fair for me. Just look at this:
It usually has to do with the person I'm building in my mind with the help of the conversations happening via Social Media that creates someone a little different then who the person is IRL. It's not their fault, but due to the lack of face-to-face interaction, what else do I have to work with? You can't interpret tone through text messages, IM, etc. so isn't it natural to interpret as what you hope for?
THANK YOU. I don't want to justify how naive I was by believing in him, but he was a long-time friend I already trusted, and so I trusted he was being true about his feelings for me. I trusted, also, that he cared about my feelings.
I'd thought of not saying happy birthday to him this friday, but yesterday my dad was reciting by heart a poem he was hearing on the radio, and it had his name on it. Suddenly, I was sorry by how things were between us. Wait, let me rephrase that: I was sorry by how things ended regarding my feelings and his lack of interest in them. I mean, you'd think that someone who says "they went on and did it without thinking about my feelings" would actually go on and do things thinking about other people's feelings. He has the right and the freedom to mess with whomever he wants, but every choice brings consequences...especially when there are a third party's feelings involved.
I'm really hurt by what he did. If you already like someone, why would you start flirting with somebody else? The thing about flirting is that you either do it or you don't; regardless of the intention, what you see is what you get. And I understand if he didn't think what he had with me was serious. After all, neither of us was willing to establish a long-distance dating relationship. But I still genuinely liked him, as more than a friend. He disregarded my feelings and jumped onto the next train. I don't know how serious they are, and I don't care. They can masturbate to each other on webcam, jealousy is not the reason why I feel so hurt.