Thursday, 08/29/02 - 7:34 pm.
Hand me the piece of glass, will you? I want to cut myself, too.
I thought for a second I shouldn't give it to Vic, but that'd have been some kind of silent preach, and I knew I wasn't in conditions of preaching, being the sinner I am.
He cut himself in front of me. A drop of blood came out. Hey, what about our blood pact?. I thought it was now or never. He handed me the piece of glass, the new piece I got out of the broken mirror, very sharp. And it opened my skin. The deepest, cleanest cut I'd ever made. We put our arms together. Now you're in my blood. He's my brother.
I spent the recesses with Cel, keeping her company. I was in a much better mood than these past couple of days, I was even optimistic about things with Denver.
But I couldn't be more wrong. His coldness to me, the way he ignores me, the way he doesn't notice me around hurts me deeply.
- You know, this wound does hurt like a bitch, Tyler.
- Vic, is it me or this pain you're feeling here (*pointing the bleeding wound*) is the same you sometimes feel here (*pointing at his chest, his heart*)?
I couldn't believe how similar those pains were. The same pain I had in my arm I had it in my heart. The same. The same sense of a thick, heavy pain, some kind of a fog. Only the pain of the wound in my arm does not make me cry.
Denver just does not care for me. On one recess, he walked into my classroom to be with Norm. I had to go back in to get something for Cel and the first thing I saw was him, next to Norman, with Claudia putting her arms all around him. That's when the strongest part of me said I just can't stand it. My good mood disappeared, and I came down. Although, unlike these past days, I faked a smile. I tried to look happier, or else someone could notice that I've been so down since I'm not with him.
When it was time for lunch, I walked faster, so I wouldn't run into him (well, "see" him...I don't run into him anymore). But, such is life when you are dead, as I was on my way to the cafeteria, I noticed he was actually some feet away in front of me. And not alone. He was with a girl. You're laughing at me, right?, I asked God. I suppose he had lunch with her. I wanted to have lunch all by myself, but a girl named Karen sat next to me. We actually had a great conversation. She is....fuck, I can't describe her. I'll do it one day, such human being like her deserves to be described. She's very special.
Roberto and I have been getting along pretty well lately. I showed him my cuts and he asked why the hell I was doing that to myself. Then I showed him my arm and what I'd written in it after I noticed Denver does not turn his head to me on puporse: if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. It's a good thing that line could be applied to me cutting myself. He always hugs me and it's pretty cool, I'm one of the tallest girls but that's hard to tell next to him because I lean my head on his chest. You make up for a nice wall, I said to him. Wow, that's one of the best compliments I've ever received.
On psychology we're starting to study empathy. Geovanni wrote a lot of things down on the chalkboard...I looked at those words and something made me cry.
- Perception: self-stigmata.
- Self-esteem: love yourself --> "if I love myself, I'll be able to love the others".
- Assertiveness: positive anger drive, self-forgiveness, use of reason.
- Empathy: ability to recognize and connect with the others' feelings and emotions. It's about sharing personal experiences.
Suddenly, I realized how heavy my cross is. I know that my problems, are not the worst, I know there's people with more problems than me. But I cried. Because this is my cross. I felt all the wounds, the emotional wounds. And I knew something is wrong with me. Words fail me right now. I cried, because I felt wrong. I felt my entire self was wrong. I thought the only visual you could get for the word "wrong" was me.
I had the bad luck of having Denver working next to my classroom doorway. Room B was in philosophy and they were on the hallway floor, spread, working on some shit. I walked out of the classroom for the 15 minutes break, he was there and I didn't even turn my head to him. I'm pretty sure he din't either. Roberto was less than one foot away from him, and he called me. He asked me to get him something to eat. I went to the cafeteria and bought him chocolate. You read my mind!. Then I had to get out of the hallway. Being near Denver is awkward, uncomfortable. I can't stand it. Luckily, I ran into Art. I was looking for you, you're the one I always spend this recess with, he said.
So we stayed together. When the recess was over, I couldn't hold it to myself anymore. I needed someone to tell all this shit that was burning me down. Hey, he, uh...he now ignores me, I whispered. He turned his head to me and his eyes asked WHAT?.
We did an empathy exercise, which was about getting a partner and listening and talking to him. Art told me to go with him so we could talk. I was on the verge to explode. We sat in front of each other and I told him I'd seen him a bit down lately. He explained he'd had some issues with Cel. Part of practicing empathy is that you have to know how to approach to that person. You ask, you repeat...you emphasize your attention to the person. We spent 10 minutes talking about his issues. And I swear I forgot about mine. I was into him, I was in his shoes. I listened, I gave him feedback and I was thankful he trusted in me the way he does. Now that's a conversation.
When he asked about me (what I'd just told him about Denver), Geovanni said time was up. But I told him quickly the story, that he's now forgotten about me, he was ignoring me and that it was over, I'm nothing to him anymore. Something must be wrong...it can't be that way... I'd like to think so. But I told him that stuff like that (being used) always happens to me (Veronica and the guy, to mention something you know about). He said I should talk to him. I don't know how to approach (it seems he doesn't even want me around) and why. I really don't care why he's doing this to me, anyway. The harm is done. I never thought he, he would hurt me. But he did, in the most brutal way anyone could ever hurt me: putting me aside, like I don't and I have never existed.
Art thanked me for listening to him. I thanked him and I confessed this was the first time in my life I ever talked to anyone about my issues. I always kept everything to myself. And I thanked him again. He is really a good listener. Before he left school, we hugged each other for a long time. And we thanked each other yet again.
I never knew how good it feels to take things off your chest. I never knew how good it feels to share your frustration with another person until now. Hi, I like empathy.
On a bright side, I saw a huge, beautiful, blue butterfly. I was in awe. Such strong, loud color made me believe he was put in earth for the single purpose of being precious.
I'm returning Revolution X tomorrow. I don't want that here.