I still have moments of looking back.
Tuesday, 06/30/09 - 9:30 pm.

These two days have been nice at work. Yesterday I was in a particularly good mood, and in general I feel pretty comfortable. I thought of avoiding the three-day-retreat-at-a-fancy-resort next week, but I'll deal with it, I guess. Hopefully it'll be fun. I just have to keep calm during the discussions of the strategic plan and find a good crowd to hang out with during my spare time...meaning, not men, because they like to drink a lot. They're harmless, as far as I can tell, but drinking is not my thing. We'll be only like four or five women, out of 21 people, but at least we're not alcohol-inclined.

It seems every day I dedicate a moment to Joseph. Yesterday I was just feeling lucky and thankful that I got to meet him. I focused on the two weeks between meeting him and starting to date him. I don't know, man, it was pretty neat to remember all that. He's just awesome, and I still miss him very much. When I allow myself to think about him. However, it hurts to realize that I'm ok without him, and to sometimes notice my feelings for him aren't those of infatuation. I should say I feel good about that, and I do, really. But it hurts because I know he feels the same way about me: I'm not loved, I'm not missed. And that's how it's been for him far longer than it's been for me. I'm just starting to kick him out of my life, mentally. Me, I'd been kicked out of his even before he broke up with me.

I've kept up on my task of saving old entries. I'd stopped at october 2008 and tonight I felt strong enough to do it. Oh, man, listen to this:

I was reluctant at first, but he's right. We need a break from each other. It comforted me that he said we had such a strong bond that it would only make our relationship stronger. Right now he's a little distant and it makes me uneasy, but it's the way to go. It's helping me value him even more [3675.html].

I'd llike to go back to me in that moment and say, HEY, DUDE, HE JUST BROKE UP WITH YOU, WAKE UP!!!!

However, in the next entry, it seems that I knew. I just didn't know that I knew.

He frowned when he saw me, but inmediately his face relaxed, kinda sorta smiling. He came out and received the muffin. He said his cat was upstairs and closed the door behind him. I inmediately realized (and I'd seen it coming) he was gently kicking me out. I felt bad, but not too bad. It's what I should've expected.


Right then I thought of some movies. How a person who has someone "over" closes the door behind him/her so a third person visiting doesn't notice. I felt horrible when I thought that, but also could be that he didn't want to give me the chance to come in and give him a speech of any sort. I wasn't planning on doing that, anyway.[3677.html]

Huh. I was the third person. The person who came over, and came to stay, was Mrs Smith.

And then I kept reading quickly these entries, and it was just getting more and more painful, with my hopes of getting back with him while knowing she was living with him. That's how huge my trust in him was: I trusted him to think they were just friends; he told me so. It was not denial, it was pure trust. And certainly I was being naive. Then his nicknames about her started showing up and right now I've stopped saving my entries on December 31st, 2008. I was strong enough to endure reading from october to december (it hurts, but I'm not crying), but I couldn't handle any more than that right now.

I haven't seen him online for a couple of weeks. I heard through CR that he got a job. There are tons of reasons why he isn't online, so whatever.

I shall change subject because it has come to my attention that I'm about to cry.

My niece is getting sent to boarding school tomorrow. About damn time. I love her, but she's been way too abusive to her parents. I'm convinced it's her borderline personality disorder talking (and screaming and kicking and cursing and getting drunk and doing drugs and breaking stuff) but it's still too much to bear. Well, she does look like a BPD textbook case, I don't know how she is with her friends. But at least with her family, she's pure crap.

Let's end this on a happy note, yes? Today on FB a friend posted a link to one of my cartoons. Then I see that a guy I met in school comments on it. This guy...he was, is older than me. He was Cel's boyfriend for a while. He was very excentric and artsy and one day he read one of my Simeon books. He called me a genius. I liked him, but he was out of my league. After he graduated from high school, I saw him on the newspapers from time to time, because he's an artist. It just clicked on me, he looks like Jack White (and you know my feelings for him). Now he lives in another country and he got married. He's still out of my league.

But this is what he said: awesome [cartoon]. Did she study at [our school] or is it me? I read -I think- some of her comics and I love them.

There is hope. I mean, not regarding him. Just in general. There is hope...right?

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