New killer pictures and my efforts to keep on living.
Sunday, 09/20/09 - 9:29 pm.

I was minding my own business this morning when my FB news feed showed me a new album called "my wife", and I see shot upon shot of Joseph, his wife and her cleavage, dressed semi-formally and kissing and cuddling. Huge blow to my ribcage, especially when I realized how pretty she is and how happy they are together.

I got anxious, but I didn't feel like crying. I was more in shock. I noticed he looks particularly handsome in some of the photos, although to be honest, I don't feel "in love" with him anymore. But I'm not in peace. I thought of hiding his feeds, because there'll be more to come, I'm sure. Even if he updates twice a year, that's still too much for me to bear. Today was his wife, tomorrow will be his newborn.

I'm close to deleting him from my friend list, but I stick around in case he checks my profile once in a while...highly unlikely indeed, but I have two things I want him to see, although it'll be a while before they happen. Aside from that, I'm kind of itching to delete him, before he does it. I don't want to talk about Joseph ever again, not with people that knows him, like CR or another friend we have in common.

This awful surprise made me jump and search desperately for someone to go out with today. I thought of some people, but I got discouraged. I've said this before: it's very rare that people call me. Usually it's me who has to call and find someone to hang out with. People like hanging out with me, but I believe I'm nobody's top choice.

I asked Victoria but she never replied...say, I just talked to her, she has a new number. I asked Joe online but he never replied. I asked Rod and he said he didn't make it on time (hadn't showered, family was about to start cooking lunch). I told him to give me a call if he was up for coffee later, but I wasn't expecting a call. I ended up going to the movies alone.

Not that I complain about that, it's quite enjoyable. I had the usual: a movie at matinee price (though it was 1:25) and my cappuccino. I saw The Proposal, which turned out to be a pleasant, hilarious surprise, and I fell in love with Ryan Reynolds.

I also took advantage of the darkness to do a little crying. Right in the middle of the movie, I started to emotionally process the Mr and Mrs Smith pictures I'd seen earlier. The whole marriage theme, perhaps.

Also, since this was a chick flick, I was seeing a dreamy type of guy, and I started to cry because...I don't know. I was very emotional and I'd like to find someone who cared about me THAT way, and it's not happening. A good-looking and smart and kind guy in a tuxedo waiting for me is not happening. I suppose I feel lonely in that sense. I suppose I would like a partner. I suppose I'd like to have a wingman and eventually get married to him.

I haven't been very lucky in love...aside from Joseph, and we all know how that ended. I'm afraid I want things I'll never get. Guys that I like don't like me like that. So I cried because I don't think I'll ever find someone, you know? I just don't. Those things don't happen to me. And I'm not talking about a fairy tale. If anything, I insist on fantasizing with an awesome guy that doesn't exist, because the ones that do exist (Joseph, Joe, Lighthouse) couldn't care less about me.

But anyway. The movie was great. After it ended, I walked around the mall, not wanting to go home, but not having a place to go. It was the mid-afternoon. I was entertaining the idea of calling two certain guys to see if either were free to go for coffee. And right then, I got the message that saved me: Rod asking if I was still up for coffee. God, yes! Later I learned he groomed himself while calculating the time it'd take me to finish the movie. Aaaawww.

So we met up, had a nice capuccino and talked the rest of the afternoon away. I love this guy, and he certainly saved me this afternoon. Oh, and CR called me too, just to say hi. That was nice, because I'd been feeling that out of the two of us, I was the only one interested in keeping in touch. In fact, I'd decided not to bother calling him or Lighthouse this weekend. It's too much of a hassle trying to get ahold of this two and then waiting around, never sure if things will happen.

All in all, I'm ok. I have a life to live, and even though I'm feeling like crap, tears are not coming out. And I plan on keeping it that way. I also plan on keep looking for universities, learn to play the drums and get another tattoo. Among other things, that shall be done this week. Wish me luck.

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