I still love you, but you don't have anything I want.
Friday, 07.23.10 - 9:09 pm.

My Brother #1 comes to visit tonight! In fact, his plane has landed by now, so I'll make this quick before he comes from the airport. Sister In Law and Nephew #1 arrived yesterday. I'm so excited to see them and spend time with them this week. My family rules, man.

They brought pictures of my niece, in Montana. Her hair has lost the highlights and she isn't wearing make-up; she's all smiles in every picture. She's a gorgeous 16-year-old. I hope her treatment goes well. I miss her so much.

Anyway, the three of them are going to the beach tomorrow and plan on spending sunday with my family, so I have to do all my weekend socializing tomorrow. Hence, my schedule goes like this:

- 10-11 am: patient. Let it be known, I love clinical psychology.

- 1-4 pm: take my friend Monica to a museum. She's breaking up with her boyfriend tonight -perhaps as I type this- and will need to be taken care of.

- 4-7 pm: meeting up with Sam and Karla; they're animators/designers and want to enter a digital animation contest. They asked Virginia and I to write a script. Holy shit, I'm honored. I hope something good will come out of this*.

* Sam was a bit flirty with me in the e-mails sent to all of us, but...meh. He said he and I are past the "invite to a cup of coffee" stage. WTF, he never even invited me. Anyway, I'm glad to find out that he doesn't affect me anymore. He's just a baby who should stop playing games and be more careful about choosing his battles.

- 8-12 pm: possibly attend a concert. Joe's band, and Orlando's band are sharing the stage. Orlando, as I recalled in my last entry, is Monica's love interest (much more suitable than her soon to be ex-boyfriend) and a dear acquaintance of mine; both of them were my pupils when I was an instructor for Learning Psychology -good times!-. CR and Lighthouse may show up, too. Who knows who I'll go with, or if I'll go at all, but that's my plan.


I've been thinking about Joseph A LOT these past couple of days. I've been wanting to talk about him with CR...no, wait, I've been wanting to talk to CR about how I feel about Joseph. I don't care how he is.

As a matter of fact, these days I've been getting past the hurt. Could be that it's because I'm writing a short story about us and it's turning out to be cathartic.

You know what's neat? I do not hate him. I do not hold hard feelings towards him, in the sense that...I don't know, I have nothing to complain about, I have nothing to fight with him about, other than my bruised ego. He left me for somebody else, he doesn't care and stuff, but I've been pretty mature and classy about the break-up, I believe.

Some people I know are bringing babies to this world this year...I can count at least four right now, who are expecting or just gave birth. It's like life is shoving Joseph's choice in my face but aside from getting sore about how happy he is without me, I can say he doesn't have anything I want. Getting married, a baby, for me, right now? No, thanks. I think that starting a family...well, what else could he do with his life? He didn't have academic or work goals to pursue at all, and I suppose he needed a reason to live.

Don't get me wrong, I'll always be in love with him and I know that for many people having a family is the top of Maslow's self-fulfillment pyramid. Of course I would have loved to spend the rest of my life with him, regarding of our differences. But if he had a more attractive option in the horizon other than me, what was I gonna do about it?

I'm so hurt and dissapointed by the things he pulled, and I do feel like crying about that but...you know, he can't undo any of the damage. Even if he could and wanted, he's busy enough with a wife and a baby. I can't even dedicate him "you oughtta know" by Alanis Morrissette anymore, because, as true as it is, I refuse to give such a big piece of my feelings to the lost cause that he is. Alanis' song is my anthem, a must have in my Joseph soundtrack...but she sounds more bitter than I probably am.

Yes, I am bitter still. Very, very bitter. However, I realize that he has a good life without me, and the same is true for me. Today I saw that CR sent a massive e-mail with an invitation for his strange classes and I saw Joseph's name on the list. I shrugged it off...he's one of many. Later I saw his name on FB, and his picture was the one when he -I think- went to Rome on one of those Magic The Gathering things. I shrugged it off again, "he's just a person, you know?". He can't have that much control over me and my feelings.

I am very proud for thinking and feeling this way, but keep in mind that I'm still sad. I don't want to be like those people who cling onto their depression...I just feel very heartbroken by losing him and the way I lost him, that I'm still not over with.

It's not because he's The Only One for me, he's not. I just loved and love him very much. He may have loved me stronger, but I've loved him longer.

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