I'm so sick of flying solo.
Sunday, 08.01.2010 - 1:22 pm.

Sorry for ditching you, little diary. But it was on purpose, no offense meant. I was a bit busy this week, preparing my cases at the clinic, running some errands and spending time with my Brother #1, whom I took to the airport a few hours ago. He's funny and great, I wish he would come more often.

This week is national holiday, and I'm trying to fill my agenda. So far, fail. I made plans with my friend Victoria for this afternoon but she called and cancelled because she's taking her dog to the vet, now that her brother is willing to help.

I don't know who else to call.

Well, CR and Lighthouse are an option, but you see, I saw them on friday night. I was going out with Victoria and Victor1. I arrived to the place and neither party was there and I had to wait for about 30 minutes. It was very sad, really; I was rushing because I was late and when I got there, I found myself alone. I felt sorry for myself, a bit, because I'm sick of always going solo, but I got over that quickly. Then everybody showed up. Lighthouse brought his friend Anna, so I'm guessing it's the end of my two-headed boyfriend. That's ok, that thing was running its course.

CR chatted the night away and I was embarrassed for having brought Victor1 and Victoria together with him. We had to sneak out because he wouldn't shut up. After that night, I felt the need to meet with Victoria and talk about everything and anything, more privately, but I guess it's not happening today.

I hate not having anyone to go out with. By now, you can't say it's my fault, because I call people and ask around, it's just that they all have plans already (Monica is out of town, for starters). So maybe I should say I hate not being someone's priority. It drives me mad. And no one introduces me to new people, I try to break from my usual circle but I must be doing something wrong.

On a different subject, I just saw Joseph on some pictures. Luckily, you can't see his face. He looks good, as usual, he hasn't changed a bit. Some friends were tagged and since I've blocked him, it didn't say he was tagged, too, but even in the thumbnails, I knew it was him. I clicked knowing it was him. I cliked because I wanted to see him.

I don't know how I feel. I guess it's just "ugh", to enclose all my hurt, anger and dissapointment. I don't feel that bad, but I still feel bitter. However, it's nice to see that I'm able to stand looking at a picture of him, even if it's one that shows his back and his neck and his sideburns. I have to expose myself to that: he's just a person. A person who likes playing Magic The Gathering. He's a father and a husband. He's a stranger.

Funny, I've been wanting to go to the mall where those pictures were taken, because I need to buy a certain book to help my patients. I wanted to go today, but Victoria cancelled and I'm not sure about going alone. And now that I saw he went to that place, I'm both attracted to and revolted by the idea of going, based on the irrational fear of finding him there.

Back to the original topic, I'm so desperate for someone to go out with. What the fuck is this? I can understand being in this situation before, when I was antisocial, but now? I'm making efforts and yet I have no one. I'm going fucking nuts.

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