Thursday, 08.05.2010 - 2:05 pm.
It was lame: sad, lonely. I contacted eight people, no one was available to hang out with me; even CR wasn't available. I started to cry. No, really. WHAT THE FUCK! I try my hardest to build a network and I keep being no one's priority. I wanted to die. Ok, ok, I wanted things to change, but it's easier to want to die.
I made an effort and still went out, by myself. I went to the mall, wandered around, bought a book I needed and gave myself a cup of coffee. The whole time I was wishing for seeing someone...and I was thinking of Joseph. "Somebody, please, somebody look at me". No one, of course. I went home after a couple of hours of silence. But this time around, it was better to feel lonely in a crowd than feel lonely at home, objectively alone (my parents were out of town...I could have brought friends to watch a movie or something).
When I was in the parking lot, it started to rain. And it took 40 minutes to get home, under a heavy, windy storm. At times I felt my car was going to fail. The streets had collapsed. I took an uptown road, because the lower you went, geographically, the more severe the flood. I couldn't see a damn thing and some streets were small rivers.
But frankly, I was fascinated. I was a bit nervous that my car was going to die at any minute because the water was starting to cover the wheels, but I even took the time to take some pictures and live the moment. That was something to live for and the storm saved my day.
When I came home, I saw the news. It's a good thing I took a detour. Had I followed my regular path, I would have found a massive flood that had swallowed a taxi cab almost entirely. The news were horrible afterwards, with a drowned old man and devastated communities.
So even though the storm gave me some adrenaline, no, it was not a good day. At least I talked to my friend Victor2, CR called to check on me, and I watched Just my luck. All that cheered me up.
It was a bit better. I met with my friend Mo for coffee and for the first time since we got back in touch (we went to school together, she was kicked out in high school and we reconnected when the baby was born), we went out without her daughter, Val. I love her, I was just concerned that Mo was exhausted and needed time for herself. Which she admitted she did. But they have found a nanny and next year the now toddler (turns 2 in November) will stay at daycare, so Mo and her husband can finish their careers.
We had a nice afternoon, chatting non-stop about raising kids, mostly. It was a very grown-up conversation: her point of view of a mom, my point of view as a professional in behavior. But when people your age already have families, they start questioning when you will, too. At times I feel getting married and having a kid is the ultimate measure to say you succeeded in life. It's not like I have that choice right now, anyway, I don't even have a boyfriend.
But don't get me wrong, that was just a moment in our conversation. It was great being able to talk to her. And afterwards, I stayed at her house for a while and played with Val, who's just getting bigger and bigger everyday!
Nephew #2 was staying over, while my sister went to Costa Rica. I took him to see Despicable Me. My God, what an awesome movie! We loved every minute of it.
In the afternoon I was meeting up with a bunch of kids we want to enter an animation contest with. It's hard to meet up with this team, somebody always has something to do. There's Virginia, Sam, Karla, her boyfriend Doug and Danny. It's too big of a team, if you ask me. We had barely agreed on a subject by then.
Supposedly, we were meeting at 1:30. So I went to the same mall where I'd seen the movie with my nephew. I went back home to drop him off, have lunch and then came back. At the food court, I texted Karla, the one that coordinates everything, to ask her if they had arrived. They had cancelled the meeting.
I got very pissed and came back home. She apologized profusely, of course. She had sent an e-mail last night and, you know, I don't have a blackberry like the rest of them, to be checking twitter and whatever at all times. They're very nice people and it was just a matter of miscommunication, but I was very annoyed. I didn't say much to her, because I didn't want to take out my rage on her. I just texted "don't worry :)".
I forgot the episode when Victoria arrived later in the afternoon and we made delicious chocolate chip cookies, along with Nephew #2. She spent the rest of the day at my house until I took her home at past 8 pm.
The meeting with the animation kids finally happened. It was all ok, I got over my frustration of the day before. We have a concrete idea and right now it's up to Virginia and I to write down a plot for a 30 seconds to one minute long animation clip.
My friend Victor2 and I took Nephew #1 downtown to hang out for a while. We ended up at BK, twisted fries are great.
At night, I had to drive Nephew #1 and #2 to meet their friends'. I've been reading about teenagers a lot, for the cases I'm seeing at the clinic, and since they both have been staying home these days, I've gotten to see what I read in action. You really have to know how to treat teenagers, if you want to be trusted and treated well by them.
But actually, my boys are at a nice stage. Nephew #1 had a terrible phase years ago -documented in this diary-, perhaps fueled by his supposed mental disease (I haven't seen a trace of that in years, but I think he still takes medication). At 18, he's a charming little guy who will start at NYU at the end of this month. Nephew #2, 14, is easier to get along with than most teenagers his age; he's very smart and reasonable.
They were mad last night, though, because it was raining. It was 7 pm and the three of us had a place to be at that time, but we were home. I was mad, too. I told them in the car that they needed to be more patient, I was just taking my time because it was dangerous to drive when it rains like that, and I was late, too. They listened, understood, and the three of us got over ourr annoyance after that and talked about nice things. It was still raining, but there was no flood and no traffic, so each of us got there faster than we expected. Yay.
I met with Victoria and we went for dinner. We had the greatest conversation about "our" guys. She's about to break-up with her boyfriend and I...well, I have yet to come to terms with my break-up with Joseph, apparently.
It was so hard listening to her and talking to her about losing Joseph and why. I can relate to Victoria's boyfriend on many things, she can relate to Joseph on other many things. And it just hurts me and makes me feel impotent, all the things he thinks about me and how he's felt.
I think this deserves an entry of its own, all this burden. How he felt inferior to me, not good enough...all the reasons for the break-up and how some of these reasons just make everyone say "he was doing you a favor by leaving you". That line makes me want to cry and yet I can't say that, in a way, it's not true.
Indded, an entry of its own for this.
I'm taking today to catch up on some of my work. I have a meeting with my adviser for the Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy course I'm taking, to review the case I take under her supervision (JC's cousin).
Then we'll have a little farewell for my Nephew #1. He and his mom leave tomorrow morning for Houston. I wrote my nephew a little letter, encouraging him on his new journey and telling him how proud I am of him, and I enclosed a couple of bucks. I'm just paying forward what my siblings have done for me.
After today I'll resume my socializing for the three remaining days of my vacation. I can't complain about this vacation week. I haven't been out of the city but it's been great having a full schedule.
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