Saturday, 10.02.2010 - 9:42 pm.
Today is my first full day without Joseph on my FB friends list. Sorry if this seems like a huge deal for me when it isn't...but it is! I can only rely on symbolic happenings to try to find my closure.
All my close friends have congratulated me, saying this is a huge step for me. Doing this, however, seems to have only exacerbated my awful heartache about him, and I've been thinking about him, his wife and baby too much these days, to the point of having tears in my eyes and a knot in my throat.
You know what's the absolute worst? The fact, as CR informed me, that Joseph believes that I'm ok. That I wasn't that affected by the break-up and what followed. Fuck you, Joseph, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU!
Last night I went out with my best friend Victoria. We went to our favorite caf�-bar and we discussed these things about Joseph.
And you know, I can see things however I want. I could choose to think he has a psycho wife and he's miserable, or that they both found in each other the balance they needed in their life (I'm guessing it's this one). I could try to explain all the things he did in many ways, I still wouldn't know which one is the correct one. I don't want to know. Victoria says that we're bound to talk again and have our closure, "even if it's in 20 years" but I don't want to see him. There are things I still have to tell him but there's nothing he can do for me, let alone fix anything in me. He's useless to me.
I give myself space to grieve. I'm still angry and hurt, I can't deny that. Victoria says something has to happen so I can finally get over this. By the way, I was going to call on her about her talking to him but she spoke first and said she felt guilty and was sorry she did it. It was some sort of apology and that was enough for me; I told her my fears and all but I was glad she understood me quickly. And by now it's no big deal, anyway. Whatever he thought, it's unimportant now.
Something else that has been bugging me is the fact that my friend Monica doesn't talk to me anymore. She's not mad or anything she just...well, she found new friends.
It's hurtful, though, how she seemed so close to me. I was with her when she decided to end the years-long relationship that was keeping her from being herself. I tried to take her places and make her find a way out, and she seemed like the person I needed to spice up my life a bit more. But now she's living her dream, she has her band, she's well-known, respected and admired in the music escene and doesn't answer my text messages, my FB messages and my wall posts.
I saw her yesterday at the caf�-bar, she was celebrating her birthday. I hugged her and we were talking but then some friends of her walked in and her attention shifted and left me talking alone. When she left some time later, she came to my table and hugged me, and said "I love you", which melted my heart but also made me bitter.
I'm only insisting on contacting her because she has my White Stripes DVD. At this stage in life I'm familiar with subtle rejection and I'm not going to stick around someone who doesn't care for me anymore. But I need to get the DVD back, first because it was a gift from Brother #2 and second, because the Stripes are awesome. Otherwise, I would be glad to play her game and not look for her anymore. But yeah, it does hurt. I had high hopes for this friendship.
Speaking of hurting, I'm supposed to meet with JC tomorrow but he hasn't confirmed. I just hope I'll be able to be honest and tear him to pieces the way he deserves for playing with me.