Stay hopeful or deal with the alternative.
Thursday, 11.02.2010 - 6:24 pm.

A year ago, JC and I kissed for the first time. It was a very steamy make-out session and I smile when I think about it. We hugged goodbye for a long time, he was leaning against my car and I was leaning against him. He had his arms around my waist. It took a while and a lot of effort. And then we were into it for a long time. Eventually I pushed him away, fearing someone from his family may see us. I got in my car but he followed me and stopped me from closing the door, then stuck half his body in to keep kissing me. I lost track of time but it must had taken us 30 to 45 minutes. Oh, man. Good times.

But it's all over now. Moving on.

I turned in my application for the Chile scholarship this afternoon at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. It should have been a relief but it left me bitter. The lady checked all of my documents...I was nervous, thinking she was finding flaws in everything, by the judgmental look she was giving to every paper (but I suppose that look is part of her job). "This letter doesn't say if you'll have your job back when you return". "This letter is missing a letterhead". And then I saw all of the applicants that came before me on the list they keep. I felt threatened and with less chances to win the scholarship.

The lady told me I would hear back until the end of January. What a blow. I left the place so frustrated and overwhelmed with pessimism. On my way back home, a car kept invading my lane, it did it four times. It wasn't a personal thing, or at least I didn't take it as such; the guy was being a reckless driver, as it's customary here, and we happened to go the same way. Still, I felt like doing a few crazy things just to spite him. Good thing I didn't. I'm surprised that, as overwhelmed with nasty emotions as I was at the moment, my prefrontal lobes prevailed. Thank you, cognitive-behaviorist paradigm.

I came home and my dad asked how it went. I expressed my frustration and perhaps he was thinking I'd be all smiles. He told me not to be so pessimistic. I replied that it was hard after two years of trying without success. Two years is nothing. I exploded and violently kicked an armchair and that pushed back a plastic chair nearby. That hurt me. Maybe in the big scheme of the universe two years is the 100th part of a nanosecond, but for me right now is a burden of exhaustion and feelings of not being good enough and not trying hard enough.

I went for a walk, cried a little. I said I'd take a break from applying but the Fulbright scholarship is about to open. I must look like a scholarship application junkie when frankly I loathe that process and wish I didn't have to go through that anymore. I threw myself on my bed and reconsidered not applying this time. Well, slacker, applying is better than the alternative, isn't it?. The alternative being getting a master's degree here. Here is my home, the one thing I've known my whole life. I need a break from here.

So I guess I should start checking the Fulbright website every day.

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