The silence is uncomfortable but you're good looking.
Monday, 12.06.2010 - 8:18 pm.

Yesterday afternoon, I picked up CR and we went to Lighthouse's house. We were going to the beach, remember? I was so excited about it. He opened the door and said he was ready to go and only needed to put on his shoes.

But by putting on his shoes, he meant drinking soda, changing his clothes, shredding his marijuana and watching one third of the movie step brothers and laugh out loud at it. CR, in the meantime, sat down and got hypnotized by some manga. I didn't see them in such a hurry to leave and decided to let go. I didn't say anything. I sort of missed being in his bedroom, anyway.

By the time Lighthouse looked at his watch, he said it was too late to go, considering I had to be back in the city at 6, 6:30 pm to have dinner with my family (let's not talk about the invisible chains that bind me, yes?). He's painting a mural at a friend's bar on the beach, so he needed to be there for a while. He said he'd leave for the beach later and work at night.

We didn't go to the beach, but the three of us still hung out the whole afternoon. We went to the secret park in his luxurious neighborhood; there, he and CR smoked weed and we talked about random stuff, like where we wanted to die and how to dispose of our corpses (Lighthouse has signed to be cremated), or if we expected to get married to a compatriot or a foreigner. After smoking, they got more philosophical and we found shapes in the clouds

Then we went to an old part of the city to grab a bite on the street. It was a lot of sugar and Lighthouse got a funny sugar high. Then we got back to his house and watched part of a documentary. I left his house when it was dark and I took CR with me. Lighthouse had said he'd drive down to the beach later, at night (it's a 40-minute drive), and in such case CR was to stay with him; but then he said he wasn't up to it anymore and seemed he was getting the flu.

I'll be honest: as I was getting ready to pick up CR, I figured we'd probably end up not going to the beach. It's typical with these guys. I rarely get what I plan with them, I'm usually surprised by what happens.

Lighthouse said he'd probably go to the bar today to catch up on his work and I told him I'd like to come along, even on a weeknight, because I've never been to that beach and it's quite a hot spot. He didn't call me today, but now, now, that's not a surprise. I don't mind a lot, either.

Remember some guy I mentioned a few entries ago, with whom we had good intellectual chemistry but I don't lust after him? The opposite happens with Lighthouse. I'm very attracted to him, physically; he's a handsome motherfucker. I love it when he says "leave your car in my house and we'll go in my car", and that happened yesterday...and I'd look at him when he was driving, saying whatever, laughing, letting go of the steering wheel to take a hit of weed, and I'd swoon. This guy is actually driving me around! (with CR in the backseat).

But the two of us, we can't be left alone because it's too uncomfortable. I can't find for the life of me a fucking topic to keep us talking. We spend a great amount of time in silence. Our conversations fizzle in 30 seconds.

Which is why I'd understand if he didn't want to bring me along (aside from the fact that I always have curfew, although most of times it's self-imposed) to the beach, and which is why I'm also surprised when he seems happy to hang out with me. Or like, as yesterday, he's supposed to work and instead spends a lot of time with me (and CR, but CR is one of his best friends) even if it's doing nothing. About yesterday in particular, though, I think he was just too lazy to drive all the way there.

I believe Lighthouse appreciates me but tolerates me most of the times; I'm certainly not a "fun" person, at least not his type of fun. CR, on the other hand, is crazy about me. He drops me hints every chance he has and stares at me intensely. Some things he says or does can be really awkward for me. I'm flattered, but I cannot reciprocate. Oh, man, he's way out of this world. But make no mistake: I'm grateful for his presence in my life.

Before I dropped him off:

- Me: Did you deliver the letter? [to Joseph]
- CR: No...
- Me: No?
- CR: I haven't dared to...

WTF. I gave him that letter three weeks ago or more. Why he hasn't "dared" is beyond me. But I didn't insist, I just told him to please dare this week.

But I'm not in a hurry myself. You know what? I even considered telling him not to deliver it anymore. I think writing that letter to Joseph was the ultimate step I needed to begin healing properly. Since then, more and more everyday, I've been feeling well. My daily thoughts on Joseph are not emotionally charged, and I'm mentally preparing myself to stay cool if I see him one day in the street. I don't think much about what he did regarding him dumping me and proceeding to get married and have a baby. I just think of him.

I'll let him have the letter. That's what I wrote it for. And perhaps knowing he didn't get it would be a step backwards in my healing, because the whole point was that I finally spoke my heart out to him, regardless of his reaction. But I'm not affected by the fact that he hasn't gotten it yet...yet being the key word. I've learned to be very patient. I was mad at this delay before, but right now I'm surprisingly ok.

Ok, bye.

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