Monday, 01.03.2011 - 11:59 pm.
Hello, little diary. Happy New Year!
I spent the last minutes of 2010 with my family, around a bonfire. The first hours of 2011 were dedicated to hugging and watching The Big Bang Theory (FTW!). I spent January 1st cleaning Brother #1's pool, looking after my lovely toddler Nephew #3, watching Cars and packing bags.
I flew in from Houston yesterday. I stayed up late packing and watching a...Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese? soap opera. Brother #1 called me to the living room and said "it's ok, it's got subtitles!". The subtitles were in an equally impossible language so we just watched the bad acting and the seemingly awkward plot. I hadn't laughed so hard in ages, and I think Brother #1's brain vein was about to explode.
My sister, Nephew #2 and I were traveling together and flying was a bit of a nightmare for the three of us. We had a lot of stuff to bring, including a printer/copy/scanner thing and an entire suitcase filled with things for other people, courtesy of a friend/quasi-relative that joined us for the holiday. In her defense, she got me a necklace and a Willy Wonka chocolate bar. Still, the trip back home was excruciating: some airport officer gave my sister a hard time over her carry-on luggage (which was ALL RIGHT for the standards), the plane was full, there was some turbulence and the DirecTV service on the plane is paid for...whatever happened to complimentary movies?
But we made it, on time at noon and with our luggage intact. I rushed to text Q to let him know I was home. We'd talked on Skype a few minutes before the New Year and he was already waiting for me. He came over around 4 o'clock and we walked my dog and then stayed home. It was funny to think this was only the second Sunday I'd been with him. He got me a late Christmas gift: the four Ed Sullivan shows starring The Beatles. I couldn't believe it, this guy has really done his homework.
M, the housekeeper, was not to come until today, so I had the house to myself. He's a good boy scout, always prepared, so we went to my bedroom. I failed horribly. He just couldn't get inside me, I was completely closed and dry. I was so frustrated and a bit ashamed, but he...I don't know, he's such a gentleman and stroke my hair and said there was nothing to be frustrated about, we could keep trying and I could, I had to tell him what I liked and when to stop.
While we were in bed trying, he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I take hilarious over romantic any day, so I laughed and put my arms around his neck and said, of course, yes. But also told him to ask me again when we were done, for reliability. But I already knew it was not just the heat of the moment. And so, suddenly, I was having sex with my boyfriend. Horrible sex, but that's better than no sex. Especially when done with a caring, skilled boyfriend.
When I saw him and kissed him for the first time in 10 days, I was terrified when I realized I felt nothing. I was not particularly excited to see him. That scared me and concerned me. When I said yes, though, it came from my heart.
He has this thing: he grows on me. I was expecting he'd ask me anytime soon (but not when he was on top of me), because my friend Michelle is dating Q's friend, Victoria's brother, who introduced Q and I, and she -Michelle- told me the two men have been talking. However, I have even more proof that Q's a gentleman because he didn't tell Victoria's brother that we had already had sex...I, on the other hand, come and talk about it on the Interwebz. Anyway, from what Michelle told me, Q is very hung up on me. I, too, have noticed the way he sees me and especially the way he treats me. It's almost uncanny.
Q came to the supermarket with me this evening. I had a nice day, I was exhausted from the trip but managed to finish unpacking, go to the bank to make some payments, go to my former office to give the new assistant some tips (man, I'm so happy I quit that job) and greet my former coworkers, and...try to get a job as a volunteer at the Terminal Cancer Hospital near my house. I went in the morning to talk to the Director, a nun, no luck. I went in the afternoon and she seems very nice and scheduled an appointment for tomorrow at 10. It's not a done deal but I'm hopeful and excited about this possibility.
But I was saying. Q came with me to the supermarket (incidentally, I ran into Blackie), which I appreciated a lot. He helped me buy all the groceries, push the cart, cross out the list, pick out the brands. He came back home with me and we fooled around. He said he'd go home early but I convinced him to stay and even prepared him dinner.
I kept listening to my body. Something told me to try tonight with him again. I looked at him while he was eating...you can't really see it, I can't really see it all the time, but under the geeky look, he is quite handsome. Soon he'll lose the braces and gain weight and that should do the trick. That, and how he treats me, and simply the fact that, after all, I am attracted to him, mentally and physically, kind of put me in the mood.
He's bought a lot of packs of condoms, just so he wouldn't have to make constant trips to the pharmacy. He told me how the girl that rang him up looked at him horrified. He was a bit uneasy because he's been counting the days in my cycle (OMG, teh lulz! So cute and neurotic) so we made sure I was, at least, outside my fertility window.
To try to attack the unwillingness of my lady parts, I asked him to get lube, a trick I learned from Joseph. He brought it tonight. I was in better shape than last night but we still had a hard time.
Finally, he was inside. It hurt a little but I handled it. It took all of my strength to control two things: my muscles and my thoughts. You know why? When he finally entered and it hurt, I kept thinking this is what rape feels like and such, and I was pretty much in despair. I thought about Joseph, but specifically, how much he hurt me the first time (though he meant no harm). I was tense all over, and it was a vicious cycle: I thought these things and I got tense, so it hurt more, and the hurting made me keep thinking like that. It was quite a struggle in my head.
But things were getting better. I asked him to tell me pretty things and he said he loved me, he liked me so much, etc. That, and the relief that he was inside and enjoying it, made me put all the horrible thoughts aside and...it was great. It was great! Not The Best Thing Ever but we did it. And we did it well. He had to hold my bedpost to keep it from making noise.
Yesterday I was concerned over my lack of feelings for Q. But then I wondered if the same hadn't happened with Joseph when we started dating. I can tell you that I loved him since the moment I saw him, how I said I was going to marry him when I hadn't even met him...but if I recall correctly, I had this lack of feelings at first, too, once we became an item. I chalk it up to nervousness, fear (I was 19 at the time but I was like a little girl in many ways) and the normal process of adjustment to a new role in life.
I like Q. A lot. I can't say enough times what a gentleman he is. I've said this before, he is quite a catch. When we were making love tonight, I just felt so lucky to have found him. I'm not in love with him but there's no hurry. I want him around all the time, I guess that's a good place to start.
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