So I finally saw Joseph.
Thursday, 02.24.2011 - 11:58 pm.

I've been terrible at updating, dear diary, but you gotta remember that I'm leaving for Chile next monday, so my schedule is hectic. I'm trying to see people, pack my bags, run some errands...I think I'll pull it all off, except for turning in an article for the national psychology journal. It'll have to wait 'til the next issue. It's a remake of my thesis and quite frankly, my thesis sucked, thanks largely to the professor in charge of guiding me; there's a lot of patching up to do.

Anyway! I just wanted to write this down:

I saw Joseph on monday night.

Don't worry, he didn't see me. Hell, I could barely see him, I had to stare for a while to make sure it was him, but he...yeah, it was him. I know that figure.

I was in the backseat of Victor2's car, riding with him and Virginia. It was 8:30 pm and we were going for dinner. We drove by an old building in my neighborhood. When we were dating, Joseph used to work in a Magic The Gathering store in that building, and I'd go pick him up or drop him off often.

The store closed down, and last year another store of the same nature opened. I feared Joseph would get back there, but I said to myself, "well, he has a family now, I'm pretty sure he'll find something more serious as his livelihood". I rarely drove by there, anyway, so it didn't matter.

I saw him in the balcony, and I stared at him as we drove by. I felt so lucky to catch a glimpse of him. At some point I thought he was staring back, but there's no way he could have seen me. The store is on the second floor and it was dark. I felt safe.

Maybe it was my mind trying to fill in the gaps of the context, but it seemed to me he was reflecting. There was somebody else on the balcony but he was sitting on the handrail and didn't seem to be talking (again, it was dark and he was far away...for all I know, he could have been laughing out loud, it just didn't seem like it). I thought, "man, it's 8:30 pm, shouldn't you be at home with your wife and baby?". But maybe he just had to work.

And you what else I felt? Love. I felt this strange thing in my heart...I am in love with him, I'll always be. So perhaps he wasn't the most convenient person for me at all, but I can't help it. I felt the same way I felt when I saw him for the first time: "wow; this guy is impressive".

But also, as a result of the aforementioned question, I was suddenly certain that he'd made a mistake by marrying her. I was certain that what he has is a rebound marriage. I was certain he isn't as great as he says he is, because apparently (from what I gather) he is in the same spot as he was when he kicked me out of his life. Or in a worse spot: equally unable to grow up, have an education and a real job, but with the adult responsibility of a marriage and a child.

And what CR says is: "consider (the break-up) a favor to you. I cannot imagine you living with him, pregnant with his child, in his parents' house". He tells me, people tell me, I know it, that was not for me.

I can't tell you that those things I say I was certain of are true. He could be the happiest man on earth as he is, because anyway, he got the woman he wanted and a kid with her; he made me feel like I was a burden he was relieved to get rid of. But it was therapeutic for me to see him in such a safe way, and think all those things effortlessly. That's much more than I would have bargained for.

prev / next