Engraved in my heart.
Saturday, 02.26.2011 - 11:59 pm.

I.
Yesterday Q took the day off to be with me. Today he and I spent the afternoon together, it was possibly our last intimate moments, given that we will pretty much break up tomorrow.

We went for chinese food and afterwards we had the best sex ever. I've been ambivalent about losing him; I know what a great catch he is, he became a part of my family, yet I never truly fell in love with him. I don't know how he really feels about me, but I suspect he's way more into me than he shows. For what it's worth, I don't rule out anything happening between us in the future.

We had our ideological differences but that made for interesting debates. He treated me with nothing but care and respect, he always made sure I was comfortable and happy. After a guy like him, I don't think I could go back to someone like Joseph: I want a guy with direction and drive, with sensibility and care about himself, me, and the world around him. The lovemaking was unbelievable...I used to dislike my body, fear my own ladyparts, and I didn't think I was the type of gal that could have five orgasms, one after the other. He's quite a dream lover.

(Speaking of sex, we saw The Black Swan yesterday. I was petrified in my seat when the credits rolled. I felt stressed during most of the movie, I related strongly to many issues. I found it disturbing. "It's a bit like Fight Club", Q said at some point. Slightly. It blew my mind as much, maybe some more. I was in shock and walked my way out of the mall like a zombie. I came home and left Q sitting in the living room, while I went into my bedroom and cried. I cried so hard over that movie, but I can't really explain why. It just shook me).

And if it has to end, I'm glad it's this way: with nothing but love and gratefulness between us. He was good to me. He was good for me.

II.
I saw my friend Victoria for the last time in a long while this afternoon (I refuse to say "we said goodbye). I was hoping we could go for coffee just the two of us, and she said she would, but in the end we stayed at her house hanging out with her boyfriend. We still had a chance to talk about our private issues.

She and I, we've come a long way. I consider her my best friend, and these two years were rough yet fun for the two of us. We both struggled with unsatisfying jobs and heartbreak, and we'd get together to encourage each other and laugh. I leave to pursue a dream of mine, and she stays pursuing her own, with an amazing job, a loving boyfriend and so many opportunities to keep growing up.

III.
CR and Lighthouse...I owe them my life. I had a great time with them tonight, just the three of us, at my favorite caf´┐Ż-bar, where we met countless times since they came into my life, on my birthday, two years ago.

They saved me: they took me out to see the world, when otherwise I would have stayed home and killed myself constantly over Joseph and his wonderful love story. We walked through parks, empty streets at night, rock concerts and drunken crowds, bars, juice stands, pizza parlors, movie theaters...and I could always count on the smell of marihuana and CR's red eyes, and sit down and watch silently as they prepared their loot and smoke it. Also, Lighthouse's car and bedroom...I felt safe and at home in there.

I could have kissed them on the lips tonight, I wanted to. They were like my boyfriend and they changed my life. No, no: they changed me. CR took me under his wing inmediately after we met again, and never ceased to express how amazed he was by having me around (aaawww). Lighthouse was the first guy I had a crush on after Joseph dumped me. Nothing happened, other than ocassional dissapointmen, but in the end I didn't care. The point is, he made me feel alive again. I'd look at him tonight, such a handsome motherfucker. They both walked me through the outside world and made me live the regular life of someone in her twenties.

They walked me to my car tonight and after hugging Lighthouse, I held his hand and told him he and CR had saved my life. I think he was surprised by that statement but also appreciated it a lot. I'll miss those guys, wouldn't it be great if they came to visit me to Chile? Everybody says they'll come to visit and perhaps in the end nobody will (except for miss Valerie, she's the one that I trust will show up eventually). But I can dream.

I'm closing this chapter properly. I'm mourning, yes: I'm losing my life as I know it and I'm getting away from people that changed me for the better and made my life awesome and worth-telling. I will return some day and I'm aware things may not be the same between us. The important thing is that I'm carrying them with me. I am what I've lived with them.

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