On mourning and cherishing.
Wednesday, 07.06.2011 - 12:52 am.

There's two people I consider best friends, though we haven't seen each other in years and we don't speak often; more often with one than with other. They both are having children this year and I feel it's the end of an era. And I have developmental psychology on my side on this.

Angie's baby girl was born on July 2nd. Angel's baby will be born in December. I feel like crying about this (I already cried when I saw Angie's baby), so touched by seeing people I love getting bundles of joy. Then I think our friendship will become even more sporadic than it already is. It's not as bad a thing as it is logical. I guess I'm just mourning a little, I mourn a tiny bit everytime I hear some friend or acquaintance of mine is getting married or having a baby. Your friends, as yourself, get distracted and busy with other things that change their lifestyle completely.

I think about my own relationship and what's going to happen once I get my master's in Chile. Last friday, my friend Tamara invited me to go out with her and a bunch of friends. I'm not a late-night person and the music at the bar sucked, but I had a wonderful time. Then Tamara drove me home and told me she'd been taking pills to deal with the recent break-up with her fiance. She'd been talking at the bar, taking it lightly, about how she needed to sell the engagement ring.

I felt really, really sad for her, and perhaps I was surprised and even flattered by her honesty about the pills; she said at the bar she couldn't drink much because she was on antibiotics. Hey, you do whatever helps you to get through, sister. I told her a bit about Joseph, trying to show her my sympathy and empathy. Been there. Lord, how I've been there (I was never engaged to Joseph, not formally...but in my mind, and at least from his mouth, we were bound to get married).

She ended up offering me a place to crash if I ever needed some distance from Andrew. She said she understood how important it is to have someone to have your back, and she had a friend who did the same for her when the engagement was off. She said I was in a difficult position (you know, moving to a different country by myself and commiting and shacking right up) but I wasn't alone. I appreciated that a lot. I wish I could have said more to her, offer her some comfort. She's been really nice to me, as a supervisor for the diabetes project (from which comes my thesis) and mostly, as a friend. She took me shopping, to Pilates class, to a friend's house, and invited me to her homeland, right in the Patagonia. I cheerfully attend Pilates every tuesday...I have yet to go to Patagonia.

Anyway, sorry, I digress. But what she said, and my friends' new life commitments kept me thinking. I'm in love with Andrew, he's in love with me, and certainly it wouldn't be so easy to leave him, as I said in my last entry. I want this to work out, and it may very well happen, since we want the same things, at the right time: there are steps to fill in before we get to marriage and children. We need to figure out where we're going and what and how we're doing after Chile in two years.

And to gain some time, he injected me on Sunday...he did, he has some experience with his grandfather with diabetes. See, I've started a second form of contraception, aside from condoms. Side effects and all, there's nothing like peace of mind. I love how he took the time to read the instructions with me, and search the web with me to clear a doubt we had. He's a very good man.

On Sunday, also, I woke up to two musicians sleeping in the apartment. A friend of Andrew's asked us to give her boyfriend and his bandmate from Colombia a place to crash while they're on tour. Pretty nice guys. They came at 5 am and slept 'til noon. Andrew and I prepared breakfast for them and chatted for a while. We couldn't attend the concert (I'd gone out the night before with Tamara) but Andrew listened to their music online and said they're good, and have a respectable fanbase.

Speaking of musicians, I have a guy in FB that plays in a well-known band in my country. I have a few, really..haven't met them, except for my friends Joe and Sam, but I've seen them live and they're very talented so I said, what the hell, musicians are interesting, particularly the ones who are into rock music. So this guy wrote me yesterday to tell me the same thing: I'm a very interesting person, and he'd seen me hanging around a couple of times but never came to say hello.

Don't worry, nothing's happening. There's no flirting, just a genuine and friendly expression of admiration (what I did to deserve it escapes my knowledge, though)...like I would approach them; hey, man, you're incredibly talented and I admire that. And I'm just incredibly flattered to be noticed like that. Another guy added me for the same reason, and it turns out we had met once in a work setting, but I didn't pay attention nor registered they were the same person.

Over the years, I've come to find a few guys have noticed me and been intrigued by my...what? I have no real claim to fame, aside from my poorly-known writings and comics. Joseph felt like that, I guess, he was attracted to me by just seeing me (I wish his feelings hadn't changed...regardless of us being apart, I wish they hadn't changed). I'm not particularly good-looking, I look funny, I guess. And yeah, I can be creative and witty. Sometimes even years later, I come to find someone I had no clue had even noticed me, wanted to come over and say hi. It's very humbling.

Last but not least, weeks ago I left a message to Lighthouse. He replied days later, saying he was missing me, and left me a meme that mentioned Starfox, saying it reminded it of me. I squealed like a middle school girl, so happy to hear from him and to know he missed me and kept me in his thoughts. I do wonder if I'll ever have the chance to hang out with him and CR the way we did before, just the three of us.

That's another thing I mourn, I guess. There's no guarantee that when I go back to my country, things will be the same as I left them, or I'll be the same (keep in mind I may arrive with a +1, Andrew). That, my friendships with people that start a family...things change and so do you. I don't lose sleep over it, but I have to take that in consideration to keep realistic expectations. My heart doesn't break about it, about the possibility of things not being the same again; I wish they did, in a way, but if they aren't it's ok. It was still a wonderful time and the love remains.

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