Saturday, 09.23.2011 - 6:20 pm.
One of these nights, I dreamed of Art. I dreamed I was on holiday and his girlfriend (a high school friend of mine, as Art himself is) and him were there, too. The whole time, I acted like he wasn't there while I talked to her in a friendly way; he was, we were face to face but I ignored him.
Perhaps this dream happened because the night before I was reminded of an in-joke JC and I used to have. I had a similar story of heartbreak with both of them so Art might as well had been JC in the dream. Anyway, I laughed a lot in my head when I remembered the in-joke and imagined myself writing him an e-mail for old time's sake. But it was a fantasy, I didn't really feel like it. Leaving them behind, and my more and more succesful struggle with Joseph, is one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
I'm officially done with my first semester in my university. Last night I e-mailed my last report, fearful and hopeful, because it's a rather difficult subject. I'm crossing my fingers. I still have to finish my essay on torture and interculturality for next week, but I'll take the weekend off.
It's not like I have any other choice. Tonight there's this huge birthday party of one of Andrew's friends. Three other friends are staying over for these three days. They arrived at 3 am on friday. One of them is Andrew's best friends and it's really cute how they treat each other. Then there's another guy with his girlfriend. Nice people, really. I don't talk much to them and I miss being alone or just with Andrew, but it's because I'm quiet like that. Otherwise, it's all good.
So yesterday I woke up to find Andrew's best friend sleeping in a matress on the living room (he came at 3 am, so he wasn't there when I woke up). He saw me come out of the bathroom after taking a bath but I was wearing a robe so I said "hi" without any embarrassment; he friendly said hi back. Later in the morning, I got out of my bedroom and he was changing clothes and I caught him pantless. We just said hi again, haha. It seemed like a scene from a sitcom. Anyway, he and the other two people had errands to run that day and a party to attend at night, so Andrew and I had the night to ourselves and watched a Monty Python movie. We're wild like that.
Today the five of us and yet another friend went for lunch at the municipal market. I don't enjoy myself when I go downtown because I see so many stray dogs and people in misery. On top of that, the restaurant had the TV on and there was a very graphic documentary on the invasion to Iraq, complete with corpses of babies and people screaming in pain with their bodies burning after being hit by bombs. You gotta be kidding me, I remembered all the justifications on the invasion (I've been reading for my essay), and also, however unrelated, the stupid comments about Amy Winehouse ("that's what happens when God is not in your heart"...ugh, drug addiction is a disease, it has nothing to do with believing in God or not; RIP, Amy) had me feeling very annoyed. I didn't show it, because I'm cognitive-behaviorist FTW and I just tried to keep my head in the present.
I'm not really looking forward to partying tonight, that means coming home at 6 am tomorrow. People here party hard and I...don't. Andrew doesn't either, but we're stuck: it's his friend and the party is outside the city so we rely on other people for a ride. I'll try to enjoy myself, of course, perhaps I'll take a nap before we go. We're going at 10 pm. Oh, Lord. I know, I know, I act like an old lady. So what? I have other interests. Like, say, I've had a strong urge to write and draw these days.
Andrew and I had a fight on thursday night. It was a very silly thing, you know, but aren't they all? My My Documents folder dissapeared and I panicked. He got mad at me for not having a recent back-up and for reacting like that when I know how unreliable computers are. We had a silent dinner and I gave him the cold shoulder for his lack of sympathy. I solved the problem, it was a very dumb thing what had happened, but he was mad at me for not acting the way he thought I should have acted. I told him "don't tell me how to feel, you yourself have told me not to do that to you".
We barely talked but at the end of dinner, when he asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell him, and I looked up to him to say no, he had tears in his eyes. I suppose he gets scared when we fight. About an hour later he asked me what had happened and we each reviewed it from our own point of view. It took me a while to get over my anger, but by bedtime, we were falling asleep with his arm around my waist.
Frankly, I prefer being on speaking terms with him. He asked me at some point if it was normal to fight like we do. Certainly, he's been the partner that I've had more conflicts with but I don't consider what has happened as something alarming, let alone a deal-breaker for our relationship. These conflicts come from different points of view on some topics or events but it's nothing that can be overcome by discussing it. And he and I are capable enough to address what's going on, tell how we feel and work it out.
So yeah, I really don't like being mad at him for long, and this time I was also hoping we could talk about it, hug and move on. I'm really in love with him, and every night I smile just by having his arm around me as I fall asleep. I feel this thing in my heart about him, a very good thing. I'm reading Scott Weiland's biography and he says he believes that in life you fall in love twice. Well, here's my second time. I'm so happy with him.