Friday, 09/27/02 - 3:13 pm.
My period arrived this morning. At first it wasn't a big deal. But as the morning went on, I had the terrible feeling that my *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* in blood. It's awful and easy to be found disgusting if you're not used to it (begginers and boys).
I reached the climax of pain on the third period, social studies. I'd spent the first recess just sitting on the floor. All I did was eat two, two potato chips. I was cold. Patch and Adri were checking on me. I told them I was dying. Patch said I looked like a drunk in a hangover and raised his hand to tell the teacher that I was feeling bad. She said I should go to the nursery.
[sider note: Patch's also called Snake, Cobra...but Patch is just a modification of his last name...so let's call him Patch, because it sounds cute, especially when you annoy him by calling him "uncle Patch"].
No, it's ok. I'll just go to the girls' room to throw up, I replied.
I had just said that when my voices repetead for me what I'd just said, and I realized I sounded like a case of ana.
I walked out of the classroom, and I was walking through the hallway when I felt Patch's hand on my shoulder. I'll walk you there. He's just so motherfucking nice. We were around the hallway corner when Patch went back and Adri took his place. Well, of course...he wasn't going to go into the girls' room.
As soon as I stepped in, I locked myself up. And did everything you do when you throw up...lean down, take a deep breath, cough, close your eyes...I did everything except throwing up. I had nothing in my stomach (except for the two potato chips *cough*cameout*cough*). I hadn't eaten, I don't eat when my period arrives because I throw up. My lungs were hurting really bad. It was like my body was making itself throw up, when in reality there was nothing to get rid of.
Adri offered me to take me to the nursery and then call my parental units to come pick me up. But I said no, I was feeling better after "throwing up". I went back to the classroom, and the first thing I heard is Art's voice: Hey, Tyler!!! Listen to this quote..."it's better to know useless facts than not to know nothing".
I smiled. I know that quote. I took a book with me today that had a lot of quotes....you know, yearbook issues.
My leg spent the rest of the class on Rod's knee. I asked him to hold it for me. You see, when I have my period (I don't know if it's general, but Adri said she has the same problem) it also hurts the thighs and the spine. I needed a support for my leg. The rest of me was lethargic.
After that class, it was the second recess. I spent it on the floor. Patch took care of me for a while. Then Cel checked on me. Then Elsy. And I finally rested my head on Sophie's knee, until the recess was over. She was the one who stayed with me.
The period is the one thing that makes you hate womanhood. But just when you're hating being a woman, another woman comes up to you and talks about it. I know how you feel. It is nice to hear what other girls go through. It's kind of comforting, you know?
When you're going through some rough times, someone tells you they're sorry and that they now how you feel. Although most of times they haven't gone through what you are. With the period is different. The girl that's telling you, when she's in that moment, that she only wants to stay in bed because of the body twisting pain, does know what you're going through. It's an experience that can be shared and, for some strange reason, it's something people always listen closely to.
Recess was over and we had to go to some lecture on Human Rights (quoth my friend Karen: ...and for 45 minutes that man talked and talked and talked and didn't say a damn thing). I walked to the auditorium alone. My hands were pale. I was pale. I was cold. My eyelids were very heavy. My lips were trembling. I was alone. But it wasn't a I'm, oh, so pathetic loneliness. It was a...normal loneliness. Not being put aside by anyone.
After the boring lecture, I was feeling better. Some people asked me if I was feeling better. It was hurting the same, but I had no more side effects. That's the real problem: the side effects.
On the third recess I talked to Carmen for a couple of minutes. Veronica and Roberto asked me if I was better (on the second recess, Claudia had approached, too...ugh, sometimes I love that bitch). I made tiny "thank you" notes for Adri, Patch and Sophie, as they were the ones who looked after me the most.
The only bad thing was that, at the end of the recess, a few feet away from me, I saw Veronica approaching to Denver and him opening his arms to hug her. They hugged, yes. I didn't feel any hate for Veronica...(I just hate her when I haven't been in touch with her). I just saw them, stared at them for less than one second and kept the image in my memory. A tear came out. One tear. My heart had broken.
- Elsy: Hey, are you feeling better now?
- Me: Yeah, thanks. The pain is almost gone...now I'm just having the emotional period...I'm about to cry...
- Elsy: Awww, no....could it be that you were that emotional the other day because of your period...?
- Me: No, I did have my reasons...but the period definitely helped with it, I never cry that way, not at school.
Now that I'm home, I still have a little pain, but I can handle it. It's very dark, as if it was 6:30 pm, because it's raining. My parental units just left for Guatemala, they'll be back on sunday. This upcoming week I have monthly exams. It's gonna be rough, but hey. I mean, hey.
I can't help feeling I have a lot of good friends. I'd never felt that. Not with such intensity. Maybe things are finally looking up, despite the fact I always have the bad luck of seeing him with girls. And girls are always having physical contact with him (tickling, hugging...). And that he doesn't care about me...but I mean...it's just him. It's just one person. Just one person. It hurts me, but I think life could be worse and I should be thankful for having all my body parts.
There's a quote on the book I mentioned that says: the ones who were never unhappy, are not worthy of their happiness ("Coloro che non furono mai sventurati, no son degni della loro felicit�" - Hugo Foscolo). *Simeon listens to the quote with amusement, because it sounds like tongues*.
Another one says: the courage we had is often the best part of what we own (Sophie Soymonof).
Maybe I haven't been as disgraceful as I've thought. I mean, I do feel I've suffered a lot lately, but there's more people with a whole lot more problems than me. I do think I've had my share of sorrow, but I'm glad to be glad right now. It's like when you've got the flu, you take a nap and when you wake up the next day you feel healthy. Or at least in recovery. That's how I feel.
These past days, for one or another reason, I've received a lot of support. In past years, I'd have had to go through this all by myself, adding that I'd have had to bear with my "friends'" problems and complains, too. It's like what Sophie said: at times like this, you just need to be taken care of.
I can't believe I have been taken care of.
- Person: why don't you go to the nursery and take a pill?
- Me: I can't, I haven't eaten anything.
- Person: why don't you eat something?
- Me: I can't, I'd throw up.
I think I'd never had the same one conversation with so many people, so many times, in just one morning.
I don't take pills, anyway. I'm anti-medicine. She doesn't take anything, because she is a strong woman, Adri said. Yeah, well...sometimes I do like to put up with this shit. I often think of the future, I think it has to end some day, and when it ends, I'll be stronger. And Simeon adds I'd have built my charachter a bit more, too.