No to him. Yes to my brothers.
Sunday, 12/22/02 - 4:59 pm.

So last night I went to Mars' house to say goodbye. Some people were there when I arrived. Cory told me he's dating Betty...I'm so happy for them. Cory suffered a lot, I know. We'd talk about her often, and he'd always ask me what to do or just tell me he was desperate. I'm glad she said yes. At least somebody's pain paid off and left a happy couple.

It was some kind of small party, because not many people arrived. I got to see my boys: Patch, Art, Vic and Pablo. And also Elsy, Rod, Norman, Victor...etc.

I talked to Vic in private for a while. He said he missed talking to me. I did, too. He was telling me that he'd just had sex "the way it should be", and that it hurt his girlfriend. I got the chills by the way he described what she said: it hurts...I can't even describe the tone. Anyway, I was glad to hear everything was perfect with his girl, she's a real sweetheart (and loves Aerosmith, too). She's not jealous at all, and told me how much Vic talks about me. She knows he and I are just brother and sister.

Then I talked to Pablo in private. It was harder than with Vic, because he's still in love with Elsy (I tend to think he won't ever love anyone else) and in a heartbreaking sorrow because they'd had a fight and Elsy told him to leave him alone for good. We had a somewhat long talk (with him is never long enough), and he said the same thing Vic had just told me: you're the only person I really can talk about this, you do understand...I can swallow my pride with you. It's nice to have such an influence on somebody so special. And I can be honest with him, never go "oh, yes, everything will be fine" if it won't.

At a certain point, I quoted something from Fight Club and his jaw dropped. It's that situation when you say something and the person that's listening to you is in shock, in complete silence, assimilating what you just said. That's true... he'd go. But he loves her so much so the quotes bounced back at me. It's a suicidal love. He thinks that the best, ideal thing is that he stopped existing for her, because that's what she wants.

When I left, he was talking to her. I don't know if they worked things out.

In the middle of our talk, Cryin' came on the radio. All of my friends turn around and looked at me, calling my name. I felt very important and...I don't know...everybody who knows me says when I listen to Aerosmith I think of's like your trademark.

All in all, it was a nice get-together. It was kind of weird at first, seeing my boys smoking and holding what seemed a glass of beer but like I told Pablo, it's stupid that someone tell anyone who smokes that smoking is bad for them, like they didn't know. You'll eventually die anyway.... My eyes got used to see them smoking. It's no surprise at all.

I love talking to the both of them, my blood brothers. It's...raw. Real. Even suicidal. But we see the good and bad side of everything. We share our pain, we laugh together.

I also said goodbye to Mars....


This morning I realized that I didn't think of him last night at all. Only for a couple of minutes, when Norman arrived. But that was all. I was aware he wouldn't even show up, as he's not Mars' friend, so it was good to be distracted from thinking of him by having fun with my friends.

Veronica called and said that tomorrow we'll go to the movies, to see The Two Towers. Her, Adri, Norman, and maybe him and Claudia...and of course me. "Of course, me". I'm not going. I didn't tell her, I just said "sure, any time you can, I have a lot of free time", but I'm not going to go.

First, because I'll go with Renan and Carlos (hopefully...and I don't know who else yet). I want to go with them, my family.

Second, I don't want to see him. Let alone with Claudia. I thought about it and I smiled. It's that weird smile when you're're hurt but you can't help smiling. I imagined the reunion, and how great it'd be to see him and hug him again. But it's not worth it. It's not worth the....pain? anger? of seeing him flirt with other girlfriends who flirt back, while I'm being completely ignored. He'd flirt with me too, we used to. In a friendly, "healthy" way, nothing serious nor offending, just joking. But we stopped doing that, since we got too close and he got away from me afterwards. It'd be too awkward now.

I don't want to see him. Get me the fuck away from him.

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