Sunday, 04/11/04 - 9:11 pm.
First off, put your hands together for me (please?). I finally got out and drove a car this afternoon. I was terribly nervous, but my mom was scared shitless, as I could tell when she got out of the car. I truly thank her for being with me, although she overreacts sometimes, to the point of putting the break down for me. Jesus driving Christ.
Once in a while, I have a certain dream, and overnight (overnight, really) I am craving love. Falling in love, I mean. I dream of a certain person (I've said who he is, quite a few times, it'd be embarrasing to say his name again...no, it's not D) and I...I want him. I love him.
I mentioned, just last week, that I'd seen him at Irene's birthday dinner. But I didn't say that, when he saw me, as he was just arriving, he gave me the strongest hug anyone has ever given me. At that time I just thought that it was nice, lovely. That impression came back to me in my dreams last night, though, and in a much more romantic way (I'm so lame).
Say, that happens once in a while. I unconsciously dream of him and then I spend the day daydreaming, about how wonderful it'd be if I had a chance with him. I was close to him in school, but in a nerdy way. I was always the one looking after him, academically, since we met in 7th grade. I've always felt 25 years his senior. I always knew he dated hotties, he used to show me pictures of his girlfriends. I was just his friend, sort of his confidence when it came to talk about his girls. Honestly, I had slight feelings for him, but not in a way that made my life stop. I just thought he was (is) the most handsome boy Ive ever met.
When we met at Irene's dinner, he told me about his new girlfriend. You'll be surprised when you see her, he said. Everybody is surprised, they don't believe I've hooked up with someone like her...but I...I like her very much. I knew what he meant. Like I said, he dated hotties. He meant this one girl wasn't a hottie, and so all of his friends were wondering why he was with her.
Nah, I'm sure she's just right for you...as long as you're happy, I said. Or something like it. But I saw her coming in Irene's house later on, and I went "whoa, WHOA". With gestures and everything (in my mind, of course). He really had taken a step forward. Her face wasn't just very pretty...but then I checked out her body, she had the body of a hottie, so what does it matter?
After all, though, I wished the best for the happy couple (it was cute, though, they really seemed to like each other). It was just weird. I mean, you should see this boy, his face is just gorgeous and he works out everyday (and for all those girls with moms who want a doctor husband, yes, ladies, he's in medicine school). He's of course the guy who wants a girl as popular as he is. So it was kind of funny, seeing him with a girl that wasn't exactly as good looking as he was.
Anyway...even after all I've said, he's not quite my type, intellectually (not that I'm an intellectual, we just don't share the same intellectual interests, as far as I know). I hate to listen to him talking about alcohol. Physically I'm nothing like the girls I've seen him with (dressing up for me is wearing converse), and as a matter of fact, our relationship in school was not really deep. I don't think he ever listened to me... I never bothered to talk about myself, I mean. I suppose he'd have listened had I done that. But we just never went further than math problems and talking about his girlfriend du jour.
He gave me his phone number when we hugged goodbye. On a napkin (old fashioned, isn't it?). When you dial it, press 1...that's the one for my female girl friends. I have the good consolation that he always considered me a friend. I remembered that this afternoon. And I came to the inevitable question: "should I call him?". And I said NO.
"Yes, call him?".
And I won't. But I will e-mail him. You know he's got the same e-mail address since 9th grade (we finished high school two years ago)? Of course you don't. But I find that remarkable.
You know what I'd like? I'd like to fall in love with my best friend. With someone I've shared a good part of my past with. I don't want to meet someone and hook up within two weeks, like it happened with 1. I don't want to make out with the boy who I'd met half an hour ago, like it happened with The Guy. My whole life, romantically speaking, has been a failure. I've never been in love with someone who's in love with me and viceversa. And I wish I had a friend, a long time friend to fall in love with, who will also will fall in love with me.
Hell, this boy always manages to make me type long entries about love. I hate him. AND I love him, too *cough*.
Out of this context...I saw an article today, the baby seal slaughter has appeared again in Canada and other places. Does anybody know how to get the anti baby-seal-massacre movement back on track? PLEASE, DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHAT TO DO AGAINST BABY SEALS MASSACRES?
Well, I was saying...I expect too much. Falling in love with a best friend, how stupid. I didn't even have a (male) best friend in grade school. I'm sure it's just that I'm overwhelmed by last night's dream (I've never felt like that, so good, in my conscious life) and My Best Friend's Wedding on TV right now. I hate needing to fall in love.
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