Hidden under my skin.
Tuesday, 02/26/02 - 7:37 pm.

I pretty much broke up my routine today. First thing in the morning, I had breakfast, instead of taking a bath. Oh, big difference *Simeon rolls eyes*.

Before school bus picked me up, I discovered my skin was peeling off. Remember I burned my hand?. Ok, whatever. The thing is, it'd been looking like my left hand got a tan. But today, I was giving away pieces of my skin to some people. It looked pretty cool. I felt like a lizard, or in the least, like Robbie Williams performing in the video Rock DJ. It felt so damn cool. Well, it still does. I have a huge patch whiter than the rest of my skin, that's the new one. Whoo-hoo. Some people told me: ew, don't do it!. Others said: heh-heh-heh, cool. Veronica said I should leave it alone, because it'd leave me a scar.

Speaking of Veronica, I've lost contact with her. She hangs out with any other people and once in a while I see her crying. It's a shame, but I'm assuming since she's not with me, she's in better hands.

And speaking of losing contact with people, I haven't see Cel in ages. I have seen her, but we don't talk anymore, since the other day. I gave her a piece of my burned skin though. It's a shame I couldn't peel off a bigger piece. I wanted to peel it off up to my elbow but by my wrist it won't peel off.

[ten minutes later]

Wow, in these past minutes four big things have happened.

1: Art added me to his MSN Messenger list (kind of not-interesting news, but I was happy to see he does have Internet access).

2. Head sent me an e-card (shit, I miss you, Head). He said he'd probably go to visit us ("us" his friends at school) on thursday.

3. Mr. guy called. Shit....I told him that I'd seen him with good company and he said: nah, it's nothing. And really, it was nothing (to confirm that, I never saw him again with her). I worried for nothing, thank God. So although he's not mine, he's nobody else's. Anyway, I feel happy about it. He's still my friend, he still remembers me *tear in left eye*. He says he doesn't want to go on retirement in march. He's hesitating because -he says- he really doesn't know anyone. I told him he should go. He needs to make friends because next year he'll be alone with them (of course, as much as that's 100% true, I didn't tell him...I figured out he does know that already and doesn't need to have that rubbed on his sweet little face.......shit, sweet little face? Love makes you suck). Besides that.....he wanted to "do" it. As usual, my answer was "yeah, let's go for it"...not. I said no. Anyway, his dad arrived home so he hung up. In a few words, his penis called me. Though it didn't dial. The action happened thanks to his subordinated hormones that have certain effect on his brain and his locomotion. But the genital instrument was the brain of the operation. I find that kind of sad yet hilarious.

4. DAMMIT! Frog just gave me the scare of my life. She was shaking, like having a nervous breakdown or a stroke or a heart-attack...I was so scared, so fuckin' scared. I called mom and she said that maybe someone poisoned her....I looked at her and I was going to smile as if it was a joke...but I couldn't say a word and my mouth just stayed open. what if...it's true?, I thought. I hugged her, and she started lickin' my knee. I was about to cry. I was over her (she's a french poodle), feeling her shaking. I couldn't help thinking: this is it. I put my face in front of hers and said: give me your paw, Froggazoid (that's how I call her at times). She touched my hand with her paw and then removed it. Well, at least her little consciouness is not messed up. She looks more tranquil now, though. I hope it was just that she got way too much agitated (she runs around the garage like crazy...well, she is crazy).

Other than that, I've had an average day. I stayed again after classes, to finish the language project. I really wasn't going to do it but laziness is taking a toll on me and I'm getting low grades. I mean, I could do better than that. 9 in english? I used to get only 10s. No one beat me to it. Even Melvin got a 10 in the exam, I got 9.3 (I'm really happy for him, you know how much I love him, and I hope he keeps it up. But for me...for me that's just pathetic). Although in math, some of us are getting a new chance to pass this month. Victor is repeating the exam this friday, so I'm already studying for it. Seriously, 25 who passed out of 110 is not a good sign. BUT...he told Norman that he and German (Junior High's math teacher) will switch places. German will be with Senior and Victor with Junior...no, please!!!! I'm used to Victor, I don't want him to switch places, even if German explains better. It's just that sometimes he gets too hard when it comes to teach math. But...no. Switch them both would be an exaggeration. I want Victor to keep teaching us, just be softer on us. *sigh*. We'll see.

Hey, check this out....I want this.

I hung out with Carmen from 3:00 to 4:00. Well, we studied....uh, well, she studied, I hung out. I explained her a few things and viceversa. We're really rebuilding a new friendship. Yeah, ok, I'm sure she never knew all the hate I felt towards her, and as stupid as it might sound, I didn't want her to know, because I thought that times like the one we're living one would come. We were there, working on math exercises and I asked her to give me her cell phone to call Norman to say hi (he was two halls away from us). I spoil you, don't I?, she asked. Because whatever I ask her to do, she does. Though I don't like to take advantage of her, that's pretty funny. I go: I want Pepsi. She'd go and buy me Pepsi if I let her (usually, I don't). Aw, don't you love making me smile?, I asked innocently (half joking, half for real). well, actually...I do. To think that you are so serious...seeing you smile once in a while it's great. Then she asked: Are you happy with your life?. She asked because she says I'm too quiet, that sometimes people ask her if there's something wrong with me and she answers that that's my personality. Yes, that's how I am in public. I do know that that's your personality, but I also know you're very extrovert with people who really know you. How about that, she called me schizophrenic. Aw, well....it was a cute conversation, to say the least. I told her I am happy and that everything goes on inside of me, not outside, that's why I'm quiet. I have "internal conflicts (I think that kind of worried her)". We also talked about gay friends. She's met a few, boys and girls and *both*. She says they're quality people. I don't doubt it.

Victor D. (not the math teacher, the guy who sits behind me) gave me a note with my name on it...written with rad letters: Thank you for the tattoos...you're so heavy!!!! Rock rules!!!!. You'll see, I've been tattoing him since yesterday, and he was thanking me for doing so. Yesterday I did a Deftones tattoo (he's a Deftones freak) and today I drew Frog sitting on a message (I love my mommy) in his forearm. He said I should become a tattoer. Honestly, I'm thinking about it. I want a tattoo, too. But not this week. Maybe, maybe one day. Though tomorrow I'll tattoo Angelica Pickles on my forearm (it's temp though). It sounds lame. Heh-heh-heh...lame is cool, Beaviz....

Today I was thinking that maybe I don't love the guy. I do feel something for him like...nostalgia-because-I-used-to-love-him. It's weird. I thought that maybe I don't love him for what he is but for what I want....like some selfish love. I love him because I want to feel loved, I want to be wanted. Fidel says that all kinds of love are selfish in some way: you always expect something in return. You love someone, and you want that someone to love you back. He doesn't say it in a bad way though, he says it like something that's a fact of life. And it is, I guess. Then ok, I love the guy. I wish he loved me back, yes. I'd expect he loved me the same way. He doesn't, but I still love him. That's true love. True love is sad but beautiful. I wish him the world, despite how penis-oriented his behavior towards me is. Because I know he's a beautiful person, it's just that...he only allows me to see his sexual side, but I do know he's much more than that. That's the sad part, I don't get to see that neither he's willing to let me see.

I've been hanging out with Nayda a lot lately. It must look weird a Senior and a Junior hanging out together (damn racist people) on recess but we do. And Fidel says we make a great couple. Shit, I wish she was in the same level as I am. I wish, when the bell rings, that she'd go my way, walking through the Senior hall. We always think the same way, we...we just get along so damn well, we're so alike. Since I don't spend time with Carmen on recess (this re-born friendship has brought us a healthy independence...she plays Uno in Julio's office with Angelica and others), neither with Veronica, I always walk alone and suddenly I run into him and we just walk and talk. She's great.

Ok, that's how my oh-joyous-day was. It was pretty cool. I can't wait to peel off the rest of my skin.

when you push love so far away
it eats you up inside....
There's a girl (ppssssttt...in my case, "guy") livin' under my skin
there's this girl and she's wearing me thin
and I think she's the reason that is open brokenhearted season....
You could spend your whole lifetime...
You could be nevermore mine...
under my skin....

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